You are currently viewing Episode 7 – How to Coach Yourself

Episode 7 – How to Coach Yourself

Today I am teaching you the main tool we use in coaching, The Model.

It is so simple yet so powerful.

Here is the Model:

Circumstance (neutral fact)

Thought (one thought you have about the Circumstance

Feeling (a one word emotion that the thought creates)

Action ( what do you do or not do when you are feeling this emotion )

Result (what is the result of these actions, will always tie back to the original thought)


Common model probelms:

Not getting the circumstance completely neutral-no adjectives or opinions!

Too many thoughts-just pick one!

A thought that is a question- answer it and put that in your model.

Feeling is a thought-just choose a one word emotion

Action-be careful to keep the action tied to your feeling in this specific circumstance. How are you showing up?

Result is not about you-result is ALWAYS your result. 

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Music by Zingdog on Pond5


Hey everybody. How is your day going? Mine has been, Really interesting, a little bit different, but I’m excited to be here recording episode seven for you, and it’s gonna be about one of my favorite topics, and it’s really the key to everything we do in coaching and it’s. The tool we use just all the time to help us with literally any problem you have in your life or even any goal you have.

We use this tool and it’s incredible. So I’m excited to tell you a little bit more about that. But first, I wanted to remind you that if you are interested in talking about your angel on the podcast, I have a form on my website where all you need to do is fill it in. Just type out your baby’s story about their life and lessons they taught you, because a lot of times we talk about our baby’s death and it’s kind of all mixed together.

But I really love hearing these stories and so if you wanna share that, please go to my. Website or in the show notes, I’ll have a link. And if you don’t know how to do the show notes normally, like on iTunes, you would just scroll down with your finger when you’ve clicked on the episode and the show notes will be there.

And I’ll have a direct link right there. It doesn’t have to be long, or it can be as long as you want, but just tell us all about your angel and I would love to share that. And I know the podcast is new. So I’ve been asking a lot of my friends and sharing my own stories, but I’d love to hear more of your stories if you’d be willing to share them with all of our listeners.

And if you like the podcast, will you please leave a little review? Or a rating. And also tell your friends if there’s a certain episode that really helped you or touched you, please share the podcast with your friends. It would mean a lot because the reason I’m here is because I just love helping people, and I hope that comes through in everything I do because.

That’s why I’m here. Let’s jump right in to our topic and it is going to be about the amazing self coaching model. Now the model is a tool that was created by Brooke Castillo, and she took the work of a lot of teachers and created this really simple structure that you can really plug in. Anything that you have going on in your life.

The model is composed of five different parts, and I’m gonna go through each one and tell you exactly how to fill it out and then maybe some common problems that people have when they’re just starting out coaching themselves. And just give you a couple of examples and hopefully this will just kinda blow your mind as much as it did.

I was trying to think back. When was the first time I really heard this model? It was probably on my coach’s podcast, Jody Moore. She is amazing and she has an incredible podcast and it just made so much sense and I’ve just loved it ever since then, and I wish I could remember what that day was. But for you guys, if this is your first time, Hearing the model, you just make a mark in your calendar so you can remember the day that maybe your life is gonna change.

It’s that powerful. So let’s talk about it. The first line in the model, and when I talk about lines, I’m meaning if you had a notebook with lines, We’re gonna start at the top is called circumstance. Circumstances are neutral and they are the things that happen in our lives. They’re just whatever’s going on around us.

That is a circumstance, and it has to be something that everyone would agree on. Literally everyone, like a hundred percent of the population. So it needs to be a fact or something you could prove in a court of law. There’s just no room for argument and no room for opinion when we’re talking about circumstances.

So a lot of times, We just call this a c when I’m talking about the model. Um, sometimes I for maybe forget, and we’ll just abbreviate this as a C, some examples of a circumstance are the sky is blue. I have a daughter. Or you can quote someone like my husband said, I don’t wanna take out the garbage. Okay.

Those are things that actually happen that anyone would agree on. So those can go in the circumstance line. It’s really important that we take out any adjectives or descriptions or any of the story part of what goes on in our head. We really need to get it down to something neutral, which means it’s not good or bad, it just is.

And getting what we call a clean sea, like a really neutral sea, is always gonna help you create a much. Better model to show you what is going on in your mind. So the next line of the model is our thought. And when you have this neutral C, you might have hundreds of thoughts about it, and that’s okay.

What we wanna do is just pick one of those thoughts that you have about your circumstance, and these are always optional. Right. Like we talked about in a past episode, if we went to a movie and people would come out with all kinds of different thoughts about it, and it’s like that. So there’s many thoughts that are optional and open to us, but we just pick one that we have and try to keep it to one thought and keep it really simple because that’s gonna help you also get a more clear model.

Okay, the next line is our feeling line. And this is a one word emotion. So a lot of us aren’t really fluent in emotion words. You can find some amazing charts online. If you look up emotion wheels, um, I have a huge list of emotions and I feel like. Most of us recycle, like the 10 regular emotions like sad, mad, happy, annoyed, any of those.

Just really reach in and think that thought and say, what one word emotion does that thought produce? And make sure you’re always focused on that particular thought that you chose. What emotion comes up when you think that thought? Also, people will tend to put more thoughts in this line when they’re first starting out.

For example, if I say, how does that thought make you feel? People are gonna keep launching into their story, right? Because they’re right in the middle of it and they wanna just say more things, but keep it to a one word emotion. The next line is our action line. And this line, we can fill as many things in as we want or just keep it a few.

But it’s how do we act? When we are feeling that emotion that is coming from that thought that we chose, how do we show up in our lives? How do we show up as a wife, as a mother? How do we show up at work? How do we show up in our relationships? How are we showing up in this particular specific circumstance?

Okay? And you can take as long as you want to fill this out. A lot of times our actions are actually. So what are you not doing when you’re feeling that emotion? And just give it some time. Think about it. And this is going to take us to our next line, which is our result line. Our results are gonna come from those actions and inactions that we are taking.

And they’re always gonna be our result. So a result is never gonna be about someone else or something outside of us. It’s always our result that’s coming from those actions. When we show up that way, what is the result in our life? The result also always ties back to that original thought because our thoughts create our feelings, which drive our actions, which then creates our results.

So we have these things that happen in our lives and our thoughts, feelings. Actions are gonna create those results for us. And that’s why our thoughts are so powerful because we get to choose out of just thousands of optional thoughts about what’s going on and the ones that we choose are gonna create how our life is going.

Okay? So that is the model, and I hope you’re still with me. It’s. A little tiny bit tricky to talk it out, but I’m gonna put some examples in the show notes and a description so you can go there and see how the model works. I wanted to point out just a couple of other common mistakes that happen when we’re new to using the model, and even after a long time, a lot of times we can’t see why we’re not getting the answers we want using the model.

That’s why a coach is really great. Someone outside of you that can notice what’s going wrong. But the first and biggest one that I already touched on is making sure that circumstance is really neutral. Okay? You cannot put, my boss is a jerk in the circumstance line. Even if it really feels like a fact to you, it’s, he might disagree, right?

Like you could not prove that. He is a jerk. Even if all your friends agree with you and your mom and your sister and everyone at the office agrees, your boss is a jerk, that is still not a circumstance. You would have to put an exact quote of his or an email he sent you or something he did, and take away all the story and all of everything.

And really strip it back to the absolute facts, and that is something a lot of us skip over and it really makes it hard to complete the rest of the model if we don’t have a neutral circumstance. Okay. Another one is when we have a thought that is a question, we can’t have a question in the thought line.

It, it doesn’t really create, it doesn’t show us our mind as, as much as if we answer our own question. Okay, so maybe if you have, my boss sent this email, and your question is, why is he always picking on me? I want you to answer that question. Why do you think he’s always picking on you? What are you making it mean That he sent you an email that said these certain words, or that he said something to you in front of everybody?

What are you making that mean? So answer your own question and. Yeah, just remember to always make the result line about you. And then a lot of times when we’re starting out, we will tend to do what we call mixing models, which means we don’t stick with the specific circumstance and the thought and really keep going up a line to make sure that we’re staying right in that little spot.

It’s really tempting and normal for our minds to wander and. Move around. So an example of mixing a model would be if you have a whole bunch of things you wanna get done. So you put in your circumstance line, I have 14 things on my to-do list today, and your thought is, there’s no way I am gonna get this done today.

And you feel overwhelmed and your action is. I get to work and your result is you check everything off the list. So can you see how at the beginning it was like, there’s no way I am gonna get this done. And I was feeling overwhelmed, but right in the middle there, sometimes we have another thought like, I’m gonna get this done no matter what, and that’s what is gonna push us to do everything on our list.

But that’s called mixing models. And a lot of times we do that when we’re maybe judging ourselves or we don’t like the thoughts that are coming up. We sometimes think that we can just work our way out of them. And we just need to be careful that we don’t jump outta that model. Like I said, a really great way to not do this is to just go one line above where you are and stay right there because it’s gonna make everything more clear, and that’s the whole point of this tool.

Because that’s what it is. It’s a tool to show you your mind. It’s to show you how you are creating the results in your life, and once you have recognized these thoughts and the results they’re creating and how it’s showing up for you in your life. That’s when you get the chance to maybe change those thoughts to create different results, but that’s not what we wanna do right away.

A lot of us really wanna jump to that. We want to just, well, why don’t I just change my thoughts? Then everything’s gonna be better. We wanna be more positive. We want to get better emotions in there. But it’s really important to just use this tool for awareness. And then once you feel like you’ve.

Mastered that, then you can start using it to create results in your life. And that is another amazing topic. I’m gonna talk about another day, but right now I’m just going to give you a little how to guide of how to self-coach, how to work yourself through a model and give you a couple of examples just so it makes more sense.

So the first thing we wanna do is what we call a thought download. This is where you get a piece of paper and yes, I really recommend a piece of paper and a pencil pen. Write it down. You need to have, give yourself a certain amount of time or a full page and just whatever you’ve got going on. Just start writing and do not stop.

So just write down all the thoughts. And do not judge yourself for any of these thoughts. We never wanna judge our thoughts ’cause it’s not gonna help us and it’s not gonna give us a clear, amazing model to help us change and get out of where we are. So write down all these thoughts, just everything that pops into mind.

And don’t worry, you can totally burn this later. Get rid of it. Just put all those thoughts down, just free write, let your mind go. And get everything out on paper. Once you have all those thoughts, pick one of them. Okay? And it doesn’t really matter which one, just pick one and we’re gonna plug it into the model so you have whatever’s going on in your mind.

We wanna start with that neutral, neutral circumstance and plug it in. So I have an example we’re gonna work through here. It is about pregnancy after loss, so the circumstance. So say you’re pregnant. After a loss and you just write all the things that come to mind. Now, I remember when I first got pregnant just.

A few months after we had lost Lauren at full term, I had a lot of thoughts about that. You have all the thoughts where you’re, you wanna be happy and you wanted a baby, or maybe you didn’t, or you’re just surprised. You’ve just got millions of thoughts. You’re scared about certain things. You’re worried.

Just dump it out all on paper. So to create this circumstance, we have to get fact D about it. My circumstance in this would be, I am pregnant now. I had a miscarriage in May, 2018. Okay, those are facts. I am pregnant now or I got a positive pregnancy test and I had a miscarriage on this date. Okay, nobody can argue.

With those facts and you just get ’em as factual as you can. Now, like I said in that thought download, I might have just hundreds of thoughts and I just wanna pick one that’s gonna help us. And what we say a lot in coaching is, all roads lead to Rome. Because a lot of us will say, well, what’s the most deep thought?

Or What’s the most painful thought? Or what’s, which thought should I choose? It honestly doesn’t matter. Just pick one that maybe stands out to you or one that you’re finding yourself thinking very often and go with that one. Okay, so you pick your thought, and I chose to say, I’m just not attached to this pregnancy.

Now when you think that thought, I’m not attached to this pregnancy, how do you feel? What emotion comes up for you? And I put detached. Then we go to the action line. So when you’re feeling detached, how do you show up in this pregnancy? So remember, go back up. We’re talking about this pregnancy. We’re talking about.

I’m just not attached to this baby or this pregnancy. And when you’re feeling detached, you don’t buy anything. Maybe I don’t take bump pictures. You don’t talk about the baby, you don’t share the news, um, you don’t talk about when the baby comes. You only talk about if the baby comes, things like that. And so what result are you gonna get from those actions?

Remember, the result always goes back to that original thought. So in this case, the result is, I continue to create evidence that I’m not attached to this pregnancy, right? And it goes around and around. And another result could be, I don’t bond with my baby, right? Because I have this thought. I’m just not attached to this pregnancy.

And that thought is a really disempowering thought, and a lot of us would say. Yeah, you’re not bonding because you had a miscarriage in 2018, but the reason you’re not bonding or the reason you’re not attached is because you have this thought that I’m just not attached to this baby. I’m just not attached to this pregnancy because there are hundreds of thoughts you could think.

There are people who have a miscarriage and when they get pregnant again, they are over the moon. They are so excited and they’re maybe even extra attached to the baby because they know that it doesn’t always work out and they know how much they want that baby, and maybe their thoughts are gonna drive them to be even more excited and get more ready for the baby.

And. Do more things and make sure to never miss a week taking a bump picture because they would have a different thought, like, I am so grateful for this pregnancy and I am so excited. Right? Do you understand what I’m saying is that this circumstance, neutral, being pregnant after a miscarriage, that’s fact.

And then you have every thought open to you. That’s why we have different types of models. The first one is called the unintentional model, and that would be this one that we get when we do this thought download and just brain dump everything onto paper and take some of those thoughts and put them into models.

You’re just gonna be able to see what is going on, and that’s gonna bring awareness. And awareness is completely. So powerful and such a great step. That’s the first thing we have to do, become aware. And once you’re aware and you sit there and you process it and you think about it and you notice what’s going on with you, then you can be ready to do what we call an intentional model.

And that is where you decide what feeling do I want to feel instead of detached? How do I wanna feel about this pregnancy? What do I wanna think about it? What results do I want? And that is another way that the model is incredibly powerful, is when we choose intentionally to use our higher brain and decide what we want to think and how we want to feel.

And it’s not about putting a positive spin on something that’s ne negative, right? Again, you really have to have that circumstance. Neutral in your mind, but it’s about choosing thoughts that are gonna serve us better and choosing emotions that are gonna drive actions that are gonna get us a different result.

So I’m gonna wrap it up right there, but I just wanna thank you so much for listening. And you might need to listen to this one a couple of times, or like I said, I’m gonna put a few details in the show notes. If you have any questions, you can always get in touch with me, um, on Instagram. I am Amy Dooo Stones Coaching.

You can dmm me anytime and subscribe if you love what you heard. This model has truly changed my life, and I know people say that. I’m not just throwing it around. Once you understand the model and you learn how to use it in your life, you learn how to look at your problems differently and look at your struggles and look at your emotions and allow them to be there, and then also decide to create results in your life.

It’s so powerful. It truly is. One of the most empowering things I’ve ever learned is to just take back the results in your life and use that higher brain that we all have instead of just going with what we’ve been doing over and over and struggling with the same things. You really can make progress and if you need help or if this sounds.

Really cool to you. Sign up for a free 30 minute session. I’d love to talk more about the model. I’d love to take any problem you have right now and put it into a model for you, and we can create that unintentional model and show you what’s going on in your mind, and maybe even create an intentional model where you have a tool right in your hands.

To move you forward. Alright, I’m gonna stop gushing, but we’re gonna talk a lot of times about the model because like I said, it works in every situation. I’m sending you all my love and I will see you next time. Don’t forget to subscribe, so you never miss an episode.

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