Losing a baby shatters you like nothing else.
You don’t even know how to begin putting things back together,
Even if you could believe it was possible.
I believe it is 100% possible.
In this week’s episode I’m talking about how you can gather the pieces of you and fit them together to make something beautiful.
Because you deserve to feel whole, even without your baby in your arms.
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Music by ZingDog on Pond5
Welcome everybody. I am so glad that you are here with me and I’m not happy about the reason you’re here or that we’re all here, but I’m happy that you’re finding a way to just learn how to live life after loss. Yeah. It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it. So come on with me today, we’re going to talk about putting yourself back together.
So important with the first, I need to tell you about something really exciting. It’s been a few months, maybe more than a few months since I’ve had a free class. Cause a life has just been really life. Okay. But I’ve got something incredible for you and it is going to be unbundled March 21st. I’ve got two times because I know everyone’s so busy.
The first one is at 10:00 AM mountain, and that is nine Pacific or noon Eastern. And then there’s one in the evening at 7:30 PM. Mountain time. Which is six 30 Pacific or nine 30 Eastern, which I know is a little late, but it’s kinda nice in the evening when it’s quiet. We are gonna talk about fighting yourself again after loss, which I think is something we’re all searching for.
We, we have this person we were before, and then we went through this heartbreak and. Tricky to figure out who you are and what you want. And what’s important to you now that things have shifted. And that’s what we’re going to talk about. It’s going to be amazing. It will be a webinar style, which means you do not have to be on camera.
You can be as comfortable as you want, but it is going to be interactive. So you can type in questions. I’m gonna want you to participate.
And it’s going to be so good live. Now, if you cannot make either of those times work, I want you to sign up anyways, because we are going to do a recording and that recording will be sent out to everyone. So it will be amazing as well. So all you have to do is go to smooth stones, coaching.com forward slash free class, and you’ll be able to find.
Registration page, you just put in your name and your email. It’s super easy. It takes two seconds and you’ll be all set up. And then I’ll just remind you when the class is coming up. And I hope you can come live and bring a friend, share it with someone else who feels like they need to find out who they are again, after a loss.
Let’s talk about today’s topic, which actually goes really along with my free class. But today I want to just talk to you from my heart, which I always do, but really I want you to just pause and I’m going to do it too. Let’s take a minute. Put your hand on your heart. Take a breath. Think about your baby.
Think about yourself. I want you to connect with your heart, feel some peace, calm your mind, relax your jaw, all of those things before we get started. Now, I want to talk about this message that we hear over and over, and I’m sure you’ve heard it. And I’m sure you’ve said it. That going through the loss of a baby breaks you into a million pieces.
And a lot of people feel like they are broken. Like they are forever broken. I think there are a couple of ways you can look at this now. Sometimes this breaking down can be a good thing, right? It kind of clears away all the garbage and the clutter and the things that we really didn’t want in our lives.
We can start to see. They weren’t really that important and it’s okay to let go of them. But we also talk a lot about this breaking into a million pieces as if or never going to be put back together. There will be holes. There will be spaces that aren’t filled. There’s always going to be an emptiness.
There’s always going to be pain. And I personally don’t think that serves us. And the reason why is because
even though you don’t have your baby in your arms, you are still a whole person. There’s still so much going on with you. And you have such an amazing life ahead of you. Something that happens with grief is really similar to what people say about money. , in the Bible, it says that money is a root of all evil.
And so a lot of people are afraid of money or think that, you know, we shouldn’t be greedy. We shouldn’t try to make a lot of money. What money does is really just intensifies who you are already. So if you were insecure, you’re probably gonna use money to cover up that insecurity. If you like flashy things or to look a certain way to other people, money is going to intensify that.
, but if you are a really kind person who loves helping people. Is going to intensify that you’re going to be able to do so many good things. And so it’s not really money. It’s who you are. And that’s the same with grief, grief, kind of intensifies these insecurities that we had before. So if you were a people pleaser after grief, that’s going to be really hard to navigate because you’re so worried about how other people feel.
You’re worried about how they perceive you. You’re worried about what they’re saying about you and how you’re dealing with your grief. If you struggled in your relationships, grief is going to just make it hard, right? Sometimes that grief and this experience is what makes you say I can’t do it anymore.
I have to cut these people out of my life. So I want you to think for you, what are some of the things. That you were maybe insecure about, or that you struggled with before that now with grief and with a broken heart are even seeming really, really hard. This is where it can feel very stuck when you believe that you’re broken and it’s just never going to be back to.
So I want to offer you today. Just a few messages from my heart and a few thoughts to think like way different ways to frame this. And I want you to just open up. Cause if you felt that brokenness, I want you to know that it can be healed. You can be whole, a lot of times what we say is a part of me is missing.
And we always want to question things like that now. Yes, our baby died. Our baby is no longer with us. I’m not talking about the sadness and the clean pain of missing your child who died. That is a part of you now. But when we talk about part of me is missing now, Byron Katie always asks this question, is that true?
We always want to turn around our questions. How can the opposite be true? Is it true? And you have to be really curious when you do this because your brain is going to want to answer. Yes, it’s true. But when you open up and explore, you can find is so many things.
I want you to ask yourself and think about it this way. You have more now than you did before, right? You have love for your baby, that you didn’t have before you have empathy and that you didn’t have before. And you have the understanding of suffering like you never had before. And I’m not talking about this cliche that people hate where they say, oh, you know, your baby died.
So you could be a kinder person or whatever it is. I’m not saying that I’m saying that how has grief, how has this experience given you things, how do you have more now than you did before loss think about these things. How do they serve.
How do they add to the experience of your life? How are things actually better in some ways since your loss?
Because the first step we need to do when we want to put ourselves back together is to believe that it’s possible and not just possible, but inevitable, it’s absolutely going to happen. It just depends on how much time and effort and heart you want to put into it. It’s not always easy and it can be uncomfortable.
The uncomfortable of moving forward, the uncomfortable of feeling your feelings, the uncomfortable, uh, figuring out what you want to do now and who you want to be now is such good work. And it’s so much better than the uncomfortable of staying stuck in feeling like you’re broken forever, which people do.
And I have no judgment of those people, but I want more for you. If you are listening to this, I have some messages I want to share with you today. These messages are the way that we put ourselves back together. It’s the things you have to know so that you can become whole again. And I want to take my nine years of experience with the grief and healing, and I want to share it with you.
Like I said, from the heart Lauren’s birthday is in just a few days, she would be turning nine. And these are the things that I think are going to help you the most. So first is that shame, blame, regret, guilt, and anger will always keep you stuck. Emotions are not something we’re afraid of here. Grieve is not something we’re afraid of here, but these specific emotions will keep you stuck and they are not necessary.
They’re natural reactions. We’re not going to judge them if you’re feeling them, but shame, blame, regret, guilt, and anger. We’ll hold you back and you can let them go. And it’s easier than you think. I want you to know that you are not forever broken. Like I said before, this is a thought this is an optional.
And I don’t think it serves you.
I want you to know that you don’t need to be afraid of any emotion. All emotions are valid. All emotions are welcome. The more you open up to any emotion, the more amazing your life is going to be. Cause a lot of the problem as baby loss parents is we’re so afraid. We’re afraid of crying. We’re afraid of feeling overwhelmed.
We’re afraid of the fear of trying again. We’re afraid of so many emotions. You don’t need to be afraid of them. Just, you know, learn how to handle them. I want you to know that you’re still a mother and you can use your mothering energy any way you want. I don’t care what other people. I only care what you think and what you want.
I recently was connecting a friend of mine with a loss mom who lost her baby at three months old. And she really, really wants one of those reborn dolls. And I don’t know if you’ve seen them, but they are very, very, very lifelike, little dolls that look like babies. And you know what I’m sure there are people who think that, that.
Like weird. I don’t know what the word is. I mean, none of the words are very kind, but I’m sure there are people who would think that’s morbid. Like why would you get a doll of your baby who died? But you know what? That mom is looking for ways to find comfort. She’s looking for places to put her mothering energy.
And if it’s adult it’s a doll, like whatever it is for you. You have that mothering energy. I don’t care how long you had your baby. I don’t care if you knew for one day and then you miscarried, you are a mother and you can use that energy any way you want. And if that lady uses that doll as a way to bring her comfort for awhile, and then that changes in the future, she wants to put that doll away.
That’s okay too, because she gets to choose where she puts her energy and it doesn’t have to stay the same. It can evolve. It’s totally okay to evolve. I want you to know that the most important emotion in grief is confidence. Now, a lot of times we don’t put grief and confidence together, but you gotta be confident, like understand grief and then do what you need to do to take care of.
That is something I talk to my clients about every single week. It’s so important. And it’s not something that people talk about very often, but you can learn how to be confident in your grief and going right along with that. I want you to know that once you can recognize how grief shows up for you, you will be much more able to work with it instead of fighting against it.
Grief is not your. But you have to pay attention and say, wow, I notice this feeling in my chest. When my due dates coming up, I notice it coming around each month. When it’s the day my baby died. I notice, you know, that I feel like I might cry or I get a little grouchy with my family. How does grief show up for you once, you know, once you recognize it, you’re like, oh, that’s grief.
We’re going to keep working with it. We’re going to learn how to integrate it into our lives. And it’s not going to be your enemy anymore. I want you to know that your baby matters their life matters and their death matters. Like I said, a minute ago, it doesn’t matter how long they were alive. It doesn’t matter if you were dismissed by medical professionals.
It doesn’t matter if everyone in your life dismisses your baby. They matter. They lived, even though they mostly probably lived inside of you and there are death matters. You have every right to grieve. This is something that is very powerful. When I talked to my clients is giving yourself permission to mourn your baby.
I want you to know that the people in your life don’t need to understand your grief. You. Going back to that confidence. People don’t understand, even if they’ve been through the same thing, then they’re never going to be inside your head. They’re never going to be inside your heart. They’re never going to have the exact situation.
You need to understand your grief. You need to understand what you need. You need to get support from someone like me who does really understand how this works. Stop expecting the people in your life to fulfill all your needs right now. You have to do that for yourself. I know it sounds maybe isolating or it’s like, I don’t want to, I wish people would just show up and make me feel better, but you know what?
Taking back those rains is the best thing you’re ever going to do. It’s going to feel amazing, even when you’re sad, when you can be confident in your sadness, it’s a total game changer.
I want you to know that when you can accept your life, as it is now, you will find peace.
You have to stop wishing it was different. I there’s no other way to say it. It’s not different in wishing it was different. Only makes you miserable. Now, if you want peace, you’ll have to choose it and believe. That this is the reality of your life and you want to stop fighting with it. It’s incredibly powerful work to do.
It doesn’t mean you have to like it. It doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy that your baby died. It doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy. All the challenges that we have going on in our world right now, but you’re going to accept. You’re going to take the energy you’re using fighting against reality, and you’re going to put it into healing.
That is how you find peace. And the last thing I want you to know, as you look towards putting yourself back together is you are whole and worthy just as you are grief. As a messy life is messy. We’re all on our own paths. We’re all in different places. And that is okay if you are sitting there, just so mad at the world at got it.
Everyone that your baby died. If you can’t even recognize yourself right now, you are whole and you are worthy and you are exactly where you’re supposed to be. If you’re on a journey, searching and looking for answers, you’re not sure you found him. Your whole unworthy just as you are, if you totally feel like you’ve failed yesterday, you’re a whole and worthy just as you are.
You don’t need to change you. You need to love you. That is the most important thing,
friends. These are the things that I help my clients. Every time we meet, I love helping people. I love teaching them the things that I have learned through my own silver miscarriage, rainbow pregnancies. That’s why I’m offering this free class on March 21st. I want you to come. I want you to learn about how to find yourself again after loss, because deep down that’s what we all want.
We all feel a little bit. A ship out to sea without an anchor. I’ve got an anchor for you. You don’t have to float out there alone, just trying to figure it out. Let me help you come to my free class. Go to smooth stones, coaching.com forward slash free class. And it gets signed up. I want you to know, as I say goodbye, the ILO.
You are incredible. You are doing incredible things. I am going to cheer for you in everything you’re doing in all the ups and all the downs. Cause that’s just part of being a human and you deserve someone who’s going to lift you up no matter what you’re going through.
I hope you can feel my love through those. And I will hopefully see you on my free class. Come and talk to me. Come follow me on Instagram at Amy dot Smith, it’s coaching. And if you have a friend who really needs this message, who is really, really feeling a little bit lost and broken right now, please send her this podcast so she can hear what she needs to hear as well.
I’ll see you next week.