You are currently viewing Episode 117 – Dreams after Loss

Episode 117 – Dreams after Loss

Do you see your baby in your dreams? Do you wish you could? Are your nights filled with nightmares? All of us dream and sometimes we remember them. I’m going to show you what to do with the dreams you are having.

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Music by ZingDog on Pond5


This summer I got the amazing opportunity to go to the Tucan Amphitheater. It’s in southern Utah. It is this Red Rock outdoor amphitheater where they do incredible musical theater. And I got to go to the play Joseph and the amazing technical Dreamcoat. And if you know the Bible or if you know this play, you know that a theme that runs through the story is dreams.

Joseph has dreams. His father has dreams, and there’s a part in the jail where there’s a butler and a baker and they have dreams and they, someone tells them, Joseph can interpret these dreams. He’s the guy that you need to talk to and. He interprets their dreams and he is correct. And later that message gets sent onto Pharaoh, and Pharaoh also has some dreams that he needs interpreted.

And Joseph ends up being correct and becoming a leader. And it’s this full circle story of this kid who was kind of the golden boy and then beaten down and beaten down and beaten down. And he ends up on top. And. I think it’s really interesting to think about dreams because dreams are a really interesting part of our life and they’re also kind of mysterious cuz we don’t know.

Can we interpret our dreams? What do they mean? If you go to Google, which I have, there are just so many answers and so many interpretations, and there are people all over the world that might tell you that they can interpret dreams, but they also might do this in different ways with different methods and different levels of success.

I wanted to talk about Dreams after Loss today. And my goal with this podcast is just to explore it because I think this is a universal experience for, I mean, every human you are going to have dreams, and sometimes you’re gonna remember them. Sometimes you’re gonna wake up and be afraid or freaking out.

Sometimes you’re gonna love your dreams, sometimes you’re not gonna know. What is going on? What does this dream mean? But it was really vivid in your mind, and you kind of wanna know what’s the deal? Well, let’s just explore the three types of dreams. I kind of broke it down into three categories of dreams that I think we have, and there are very broad categories, but I think there are dreams that we hate, the dreams that we have, and the dreams that we wish for.

Let’s start with the dreams that we hate. These are the scary ones. These are the ones where you wake up in the middle of the night sweating. These are the ones where bad things happen in your dream or you can’t move. That is a lot. What happens to me is something is happening in my dream and I cannot move and I can’t get to where I need to get to.

Everything is just in slow motion. And I want you to think about what are your scariest dreams? What are your dreams that you really don’t like having? What do you wake up in the middle of the night thinking about? Right? These could be about anything. It doesn’t have to be about your loss. It doesn’t have to be about death.

It could be about like your spouse cheating on you. It could be about, you know, Just natural disasters or anything that you are afraid of, what do we do with these? I would offer to you that number one, Take care of your nervous system, especially if you wake up and your body is activated. It’s amazing how your nervous system, your adrenaline, like all of that, can be pumping from this thing that happened in your brain while you’re sleeping.

I am sure there are scientists who have studied this in complete depth, but. I really think it’s a amazing and incredible, and it just goes to show how much our brain is controlling our reactions, right? Because we are safe in our bed, in our cozy blankets with a soft pillow. But our brain has decided we’re not safe.

And so it is reacting and our body is reacting. So calm your nervous system. Take deep breaths. Um, get up out of bed. Sometimes we’ll lay there, right? Especially if you have a partner in bed with you. A lot of times it’s like you don’t wanna disturb anybody. You, everything’s quiet and you just think, I should just lay here and I should go to back to sleep.

But why not? Get up, get a drink of water, make yourself a cup of tea. Like walk around, move your arms, uh, do the things that help you calm down, that’s gonna help you fall back asleep a lot easier, if that is your goal, right? If this is the middle of the night, And then you really wanna look at your dream objectively.

You can journal and write down what happened in your dream. What are the facts of your dream? Because a lot of times we will forget it. So even taking the time to write it out, recognize what was happening in the dream, what you’re afraid of, and then ask yourself what you’re making it mean now, because that is where the problem really, really lies, because a scary dream.

If it’s just like wild and all over the place and you know, it doesn’t seem very real, it’s pretty easy to dismiss that as just a crazy nightmare. But when it hits close to home, a lot of times we can make it mean something like this is gonna come true, this is going to happen. This is a premonition. What if?

What if this means something? And we can really carry that fear. Into the future and let it shake us for a lot longer than it needs to. So it’s really important to just look at the dream, look at what happened in the dream, and then kinda see is this real? Is this what is happening? And if you do feel like this might be a premonition, I mean, I will never tell you to dismiss that.

I think we have an inner wisdom. I think we know, I think people do have dreams, um, before something happens. And. If you feel like that is what’s happening with you, be confident. Come from a, not from a place of fear, but from a place of confidence and just say, you know what? I’m going to adjust, um, some things and do what I can.

But ultimately, even with the warning, we can’t prevent all bad things from happening. But just really take care of yourself. Take care of your heart. Take care of your mind and notice the thoughts that are racing through and the emotions that they’re creating. Those dreams do not have to affect you for a long time.

It’s really important to let yourself feel the emotions, let emotions pass through, and keep moving on with your day. All right. Let’s talk about the dreams we have. The dreams we have, we don’t control. Again, these just seem to come out of nowhere. Or maybe they have a meaning. Maybe you have recurring dreams.

And these are the ones where we wake up and we say, I wonder what that was about. What does that mean? Why, you know, why was I doing this in the dream? And why was this in the dream? And why was this person in the dream and why did I have this dream? Um, I have heard a lot about when people have a dream about, you know, a person who isn’t the person they’re in a relationship with, and they’ll feel like, was that cheating?

Does that mean that I am attracted to someone else? Does that mean something about me or my relationship? And it can really throw someone, right, but again, you gotta look at what are you making that dream mean. Those kind of dreams can be really common and they can mean nothing and you can just move on and usually just forget them.

But it’s when you hang onto it and you get worried about it, that it’s gonna become a problem. Now we talk about Joseph. He had a bunch of dreams about cows and corn and, uh, all sorts of things represented something else. And this is. Something that we might question, what does this represent? What does this mean?

You just get to decide, because like I said, there is no definitive answer on what dreams mean. You just get to decide what they mean or you get to decide They don’t mean anything. When you look at the dreams you have. If they’re not a problem, then don’t worry about it, and if you feel like they are a problem, Then I would really decide on purpose, what I want it to mean and decide how you wanna feel about it.

And that’s a lot easier to do with a coach. That’s what I do with my client. And so if you have a dream and you’re working with me, you just get to come in and say, Amy, Let me tell you all about my dream, and then we’re gonna break it down. We’re gonna see what’s happening. We’re gonna see how you feel about it and how you wanna feel about it and go from there.

It’s really powerful and it’s something I’ve done multiple times with my clients and I’ve done it with myself as I self-coach. And it’s important because these dreams are powerful, right? And they are in our unconscious, subconscious brain. And so even that, it feels like. I wonder why I’m dreaming about this, and you can come at it from a place of curiosity instead of a place of fear.

It feels so much better. Just to be curious, just to be open to look at the dreams you have and explore them, right? It doesn’t have to be heavy. There doesn’t have to be a right answer. You just get to play with it and have fun with it. I think sometimes we forget that. It’s okay to have fun and play and explore and just.

Think about all the things. Even talk to people, right? We can say, what do you think this means? And, and just have a really interesting discussion because I think if you got a group of people together and asked them about their dreams, there’d be a lot of similarities. There’d be a lot of differences, and there’d be a lot of different interpretations depending on the beliefs that you have.

So what happens in your dream is just your circumstances, and then you get to think whatever you want about them. All right. And let’s talk about the dreams we wish for. I thought a lot about this because I remember shortly after Lauren died, um, she was still born at full term. I really wanted her to come in a dream and give me a message, and some people do have those dreams that I’ve heard.

You know, firsthand experiences of people who’ve had deceased, loved ones come and talk to them, and I wanted that really badly. I wanted to maybe see what she looked like, if her spirit would be, you know, what age would it be, what would she look like? I just wanted that connection with her so badly, and I even prayed for it and I said, please just let me have a dream where she would come and talk to me and tell me something, and I could see her.

And it was something I really, really wanted. And I think for so many lost moms, we might want dreams like that. We might want a message from our baby. We might wanna know that they’re safe. We might wanna see symbols that we associate with them in our dreams and. The thing is we can’t control our dreams.

Now, I prayed and prayed and hoped I have not had a dream, at least that I can remember. I have not had a dream where Lauren has come and visited me, and that’s okay. Right? It’s okay that I want it. It’s okay that I still kind of think. I hope that that would happen, and it’s okay if it doesn’t happen, right?

It’s okay if it happens, and I don’t remember. I know that I don’t have control of that. And the other thing is I know I don’t need to have a dream to get what I really want. When we think, I wish I could have a dream with my baby in it or whatever you wish you could dream about what you really, really want.

Your deepest desire is a feeling. Right. You want that feeling that comes from knowing that your baby is okay or that your baby is nearby, or that your baby still thinks about you and is connected to you, right? So we, we think we want the dream, but what we want is that feeling. So what is the feeling you’re looking for?

Is it that connection? Is it that reassurance? Is it peace that. They don’t blame you and that they’re happy and they’re in a safe place. I was thinking about, uh, mediums, people who can speak to people who have passed on and the connection and, um, you know, I’m not gonna say whether or not I believe that.

In mediums. I, I think there are people probably with gifts, and I think there’s a lot of people that take advantage of grieving people, but either way, a lot of times the messages that come through when you see mediums or watch on TV or whatever, Is they tell them what they want to hear and what they want to hear is, your person is in a better place.

They’re okay. They’re not mad at you, they’re near you. They, they know what’s going on in your life, right? And. That gives you permission to feel peace, to feel reassured, and I think that’s what we want from our dreams, right? We’re wishing we could just have the permission to believe that our baby is nearby, that our baby is safe, that our baby is in a beautiful place that our baby is with other people that we love, who have passed on.

All of those things, whatever your belief system is or whatever you hope for your child and you hope for your relationship with your child, when you wish to dream, what you’re really wishing for is the permission to have peace around it. So I want you to know that you can have that peace anytime you want.

All you need to do is decide. To create it for yourself by believing those things, even without having the dream. There’s really no way of knowing if we’re right or wrong, but I want you to trust yourself, right? Especially if you’re beating yourself up or you’re feeling lost right now, or you’re feeling guilt or regret, or you’re feeling very disconnected from your baby.

Give yourself permission to believe that they love you. That they’re near you, that they watch over you. If that’s something you wanna believe, give yourself permission to have the peace. You don’t need to have a dream, you’ll be awesome. It’s a bonus if you get a dream where your baby gives you a beautiful message, but you don’t need it because you can give yourself exactly what you want, which is that feeling of peace.

So the dreams we hate, We’re gonna take care of our nervous system. We’re gonna journal it out, and we’re gonna help ourselves calm down. And don’t make the dream mean anything terrible about your real life. Sometimes a dream is just a dream, but tap into your inner knowing. If you feel like it really is a warning, do what you need to do, but do it from a place of confidence and not fear the dreams we have.

Notice what you’re making them mean, and. Maybe write them down, but just be curious and explore the dreams you have. You can interpret them however you want. There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s kind of cool and interesting that our brains do these things, that they create these stories for us and they feel so vivid and so real.

So just. Enjoy the dreams you have and the dreams we wish for. Remember when you’re wishing for a dream where you can see your baby or where you can get some sort of reassurance while you’re sleeping. What you really, really desire is permission to feel a feeling and you can give that permission to yourself.

I think dreams are really, really interesting and. I hope someday. I mean, I believe there is a next life and I, I would love to know what the deal is with dreams and why they’re so important, why they talk about them in so many places and why our brains do this. But for now, I’m just gonna let them be what they are, you know, whether you believe they’re just.

Chemicals firing off in your brain and they mean nothing, or you believe they are full of meaning. That is up to you. Just notice the experience you’re creating for yourself and. Enjoy this part. I know there are a lot of people too, and I have to touch on this, that people who are afraid to sleep because they’re afraid of their dreams.

If you’re having like trauma dreams and flashbacks, you really gotta get help and support for that. You can find ways to calm your nervous system and to cope with those flashbacks and things that you’ve been through. Um, but for the rest of us, again, just be open, be curious, don’t make it mean anything and enjoy your dreams and have sweet dreams.

I wish that for all of you, and I will see you next time. Are you tired of feeling like your baby was somehow your fault? Go to Smooth Stones coaching com and get my free mini course. How to Stop Blaming Yourself After Loss.

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