You are currently viewing Episode 86 – Boundaries

Episode 86 – Boundaries

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When you’re feeling uncomfortable with someone, it’s common to be told you need to set up boundaries, especially in grief.  But the way most of us have been taught about boundaries doesn’t really help us.

I’ve got a totally different way of looking at boundaries that you’ve probably never heard before. 

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I was chatting with someone on Instagram. They actually made a post and  had expressed. Like a little bit of a struggle they were having. And so. I just send them a little message and send them a podcast episode that I thought would help them with their problem. And this person sent me back this sweetest message. And she said, 


 I really resonated with what you said, and I feel so much better. And I thought. That is the biggest compliment that I could get. If you’re listening to this and you feel like you resonate with me that you have a connection and that what I’m doing here is helpful to you. That’s what it’s all about. 


And I feel like people are put in our past. 


On purpose. Like there are no coincidences. So, if you’ve been listening to this podcast and you felt like you did resonate with what I’m saying, you felt a connection. And you’re still struggling with just kind of finding yourself after a loss. I really want to invite you to come and talk to me, there’ll be a link in the show notes for a consult call. 


Where we can get to know each other better. We can improve on that connection and just find out if coaching is the right thing for you. I’m taking a few new clients right now. And if you start on my three month program, Today. Or soon. Then you’ll be just feeling so much better, so much more confident. 


In your grief and in your life by summer.  Can you believe that summer is coming in  three months or it’s just it’s so soon time is flying by. And there’s no time like today. So if you feel that connection, if you felt that. 


Did you draw two? Come a little closer and get a little bit more help and support from me. Please come and talk to me.  It doesn’t need to be intimidating or scary at all. I love getting to know you and even if you decide coaching isn’t for you. I still just value that time that we have together. And I know you will too. 


 Come on let’s let’s do it. I think coaching is just the best gift you can give yourself. Let’s talk about today’s episode. I have so much goodness. And I really wanted to do this episode because I see this all the time. Talking about boundaries where people really, really don’t know. Like, how does the batteries water boundaries? I mean, the world tells us that we need them. 


. Boundaries are important. And I think it gets a little bit confusing because there’s so many voices and a lot of the ways that we teach boundaries are we hear about boundaries. Is it doesn’t really line up with what I teach, which is we are responsible for our own emotions. I actually looked up some articles  with a quick Google search, 


You can find all kinds of articles on how to set boundaries and I was scrolling through them and I just wanted to point out a couple of maybe red flags that I see. , that might be holding you back because what I want for you to get out of this episode is to notice, number one, what are boundaries? How do I set them? 


Do I need them, like when do I need them? . How do I decide how to deal with it?  Should I set a boundary or not?  What about after, because setting a boundary can be scary, right. Or where we can set it with the best of intentions and the people. That we are expressing this to may not like them. 


So all of those things kind of hold us back from setting boundaries and we get really, really stuck. And I don’t want you to be stuck. I want you to feel confident. So here’s a, just a sample of a really, it’s like a popular magazine that probably so many people have read. 




It’s an article on boundaries. And the first thing it says is we all need them. And. I don’t know if that’s true, actually, when you understand what boundaries are. You’re going to find that you don’t actually need them that often. I don’t find myself setting a lot of boundaries in my life. Something that it also says is. 


People talk about setting boundaries all the time, but what does that actually mean? And Carla Marie manly. , said boundaries are the separations that humans need mentally, emotionally, and physically to feel safe, valued, and respected. Okay. And even in that, we got to notice. It’s talking about how the boundaries are going to create your feelings. 


But remember our thoughts create our feelings. 


, it talks about.  Boundaries speak to what we identify as making us comfortable or uncomfortable. And it often evolves using verbal strategies and they give an example of individuals could use. Clear phrases to respectfully ask loved ones to wear masks. Stanford they’re away from them. 


Or wash their hands.  And this practice at home may ease any discomfort. 


When we’re dealing with people and.  As you become more aware of  


 The way the brain works and what I’m teaching you here, which is that we have so much more power than we think we got to look at. And things like this. And notice how many times it’s saying that. The boundaries are creating our emotions or the people’s , behavior is creating our emotions. 


 This is what the world says that a boundary is basically telling other people how to act so that we can feel better. And that is a really powerless place because people don’t want to do everything. We tell them. 


. And this actually ends up being what I call a manual. So let’s talk about what about  isn’t it, isn’t a manual. A manual is. This unwritten list of rules for people in the way we want them to behave. And so a lot of times when we talk about setting boundaries, what we’re really saying. Saying is tell people how to act. 


Tell them to follow your manual. So in this COVID example, If you want people to wear masks so that you can feel comfortable.  You can tell them that. But they may or may not want to listen. They may or may not agree with you. , it’s not really in your control, right? You could tell people that you want them to wear a mask, but. 


They might not want to. And so then what. That is the question.  It’s also not an ultimatum. A lot of times, this is what it turns into. . Like, if you don’t wear a mask around me, then. , I’m just never going to talk to you again.  This is what my kids do a lot is they set these kind of crazy ultimatums. 


And that also doesn’t get you what you want. 


What’s really important is to notice what are you making it mean? So I will use this COVID example one more time, but I see a lot of people saying. I told my family that I need them to wear a mask. When they are near us and they didn’t do it. And that means they don’t care about us or that they don’t care if we. 


We get sick or , People make it mean that they don’t care if. We live or die.  And so that’s heavy. That’s a lot to carry and. When you make people’s behavior mean those things. It’s really hard to figure out what to do because it becomes as big dramatic thing. So, what I want to help you with today is a different way to look at boundaries, a different way to set boundaries. 


So that you can feel confident and you can feel. Good inside yourself. Like you are living within your values. And I loved.  I was watching. 


, a video. By Dr. Henry cloud and he has a whole book and a whole. A website about boundaries and so much.  Good things out there. And he said, , abounds tree is taking care of your own heart. Mind and soul.  So how does that feel? Just that little phrase.  Instead of a boundary being, I have to control how other people act so I can feel better.  A boundary is taking care of your own heart. 


Mind and soul. 


Because we want. What connections with people right in the end. We want to be connected to people. And boundaries can help us stay connected because we’re taking care of ourselves. And we’re, we’re figuring out how to interact with all these different people in the world with all these different, , ways of thinking of ways of acting. 


. Really bringing it back to how it’s a gift for you. And I, I think we have to always remember that, like, everything we do is for us. We create our own feelings. 


We have control over our thoughts. And so when we feel the need to create a boundary. We want to honor that. , but we want to honor it from a clean place. So that means first, I want you to do some self-coaching. I want you to pay attention and notice. What is your brain telling you? What are you making it mean? 


Making. Making their behavior mean. , and is there a way that you can clean that up? Because a lot of times. We could just clean that up and things would be a million times better. If we just. Get rid of the drama, get rid of the stories and really look at what is happening. In a more objective way. 


And then notice what we’re thinking about it.  Then move forward.  So sometimes we are taking a fence over feeling like we’re being violated. When really we’re violating ourselves with our own thoughts. So that is my first piece of advice is. When you’re trying to decide, do I need a boundary or not? 


Pay attention. Like be aware of your values and also clean it up first. Before you move on to a next step, because it might be that simple as you. Thinking a different way. And I am not saying that you take someone’s.  Bad behavior and just think happy thoughts about it. I’m saying really look at where your emotions are coming from. 




Then you’ll be able to be in a much cleaner place to make this decision because setting boundaries isn’t always easy. Like I said, people don’t always like them. So if you are already in a clean place, And you feel really confident that this needs to be said. It’s going to make it a lot easier.  My mentor, Brooke Castillo, she talks about how, the world tells us we need to set all these boundaries, but really. We can have things that we won’t tolerate. Like most of us won’t tolerate someone hitting us, but we don’t go around. Telling everyone we meet. Please don’t hit me. I don’t allow other people to hit me. It’s not okay to hit me. 


We just, it is what it is. And then. Is someone violates that that’s when we need to say something. And so that’s one of my first tips is. 


You don’t need to express a boundary unless it’s been violated. So within yourself, if something’s been going on. And you feel like you need to set a boundary, you can figure out your boundary, and I’m going to tell you how to do that next. 


But you don’t need to express that unless that boundary is violated. Again, . So that would be the time. So a lot of times we’ll have,  a person in our life and they’re doing these things. And we get all in our head and we want to make this big speech, or we want to send them a text or we want to write them an email. And we want to say, you need to change how you’re behaving. 


. And I can tell you that never really goes over well. . And it takes a lot of energy to be in that space. But what you can do is just figure out what’s okay. And what’s not okay. And then if that boundary is violated, That’s when you would act. 


So that will bring you a. A lot of peace, just knowing you don’t have to like, just put these out into the world. You only need to address it if it happens. 


, And Brooke explains a boundary as a really clear request of somebody else with a really clear. Consequence. And the consequence is something you do.  This is getting away from that ultimatum. , so just an example is I. I had an,  a family member who. Talks a lot about,  wait. Andy. 


, it’s something that has been going on forever. And. Even this person would like comment on a, my way or I, I would feel like.  There were things said about. 


Lbs. Gaining weight, losing weight, all of these things. And. 


, for me, I didn’t love it, but it wasn’t like, I just figured that’s just something that is really important to this person. And. They feel like weight and health are very connected and it’s important and whatever. But when I had my own children. And this person. I would maybe say. Say things about their  bodies. 


That’s the time where I was like, okay, I’m not okay with that.  I am not okay with them. Commenting at all. On my children’s bodies or size or weight. And so that is something in my mind. Mind where. I know that this person does this and probably does not think about how it affects other people. 


But I just decided  if this happens, I can set a boundary that , if you comment on my children’s weight, , We’re going to shut the conversation down. Or I’m going to say something or we’re going to leave.  And that’s something I do because I don’t that. Is very important to me that my. 


Children do not.  And we just don’t talk about weights and bodies and, , any of that. And so that’s a battery that I can set. . And. I can just decide for me that. That’s not okay. And what I’m going to do about it. And if that battery gets crust, I’m going to say, Hey. I don’t want you commented on my children’s weight. 


And. If you do it again, like we’re going to. Just shut this down. Like we’re not going to, we’re going to change the subject. We’re going to leave the conversation. We’re going to leave the area. It’s not okay.  The thing is that. Then that person has control. It’s very clear.  If you do this, I’m going to do this. 


And then they get to decide. What they say. We want to give them choice in the other. Way of setting boundaries that we explained before. You’re not giving them a choice. You’re basically saying you need to act this way. 


When you set a boundary in the way I’m teaching you. What’d you do is say. Here’s the thing that I’m not okay with. Here’s what I’m going to do. If it happens. And then the ball is totally in their court, right? It’s a lot. It’s a lot less try to control them. It’s a lot less drama. It just is what it is. 


And they still have a choice.  And if they want to be around you, if they want to be around your family, Then they know the boundary. And so the boundary is. Like a gift to you. And it’s kind of a gift to them. And they get to choose what to do. So it feels a lot better. 


Okay. So now that we know how does that boundaries, right? We wait until they violate and then we decide. It very clearly. What we’re not okay with and what we’re going to do if it happens. . And it’s all on us. , Then we want. I want to figure out, , How do I know if I need to set a boundary and. 


I loved, I was watching a Ted talk by. I think it’s sorry. Sorry, Gilman. And she. He was talking about, are saying yes and no. And how we have a compass of yes and no. So this would be like, if people are making requests of us, 


and you need to decide,  yes or no. Do I want to do this?  . We all have this compass. Compass. But a lot of. Times when we get stressed or like really worked up. , it can be a little bit clouded. So you got to take care of the stress and that’s the same thing that I said, clean up your thoughts, clean up, what you’re making it mean. And then you can listen to that compass. 




I love what she said. That your compass is only trying to take care of you. 


And so again, looking at these boundaries as actually a gift that improves your relationships, instead of something you need to set up to block out. Like toxic people in your life. And I actually hate the term toxic people.  It is not my favorite. But it’s just. Putting something there that actually connects. 


It’s us more. Because. We’re not a people pleasing. We’re not like struggling within ourselves to deal with these people’s behavior. We’re just saying. , I’m going to take care of myself.  So listen to that. Yes and no compass. And. She also says the key to boundaries is dealing with a stormy. 


Uh, emotions that do come and you set them. And she talks about how. We’re going to have this brief stress and then we’re going to feel. Feel relief.  When we’re coming to this conversation and. We’ve gone through all the steps. We cleaned up our thinking. We figured out our boundaries and the person has violated. 


And it’s time like now you have to do it . You have. To follow through and set this boundary and then follow through with the consequence. That is going to bring up some emotions. It’s not going to be comfortable, especially if you have been a people pleaser, especially if you’ve never brought this up, especially if it’s been going on for a long time. 


And you finally had enough and you know that the person. One is going to be shocked that you’re setting a boundary.  Just know that those emotions are going to be part of it and it’s okay. , But. This is really how you become more authentic. This. Is really how you get in touch with you. And this is where you find true intimacy. 


Cause intimacy. Isn’t just letting people walk all over you. It isn’t letting. People think something that isn’t true, just not saying what’s important to you. And we need to honor ourselves and others. We cannot blame people for our. Lack of boundaries. It’s always on us. It’s always on us to take care of ourselves and to again, find that compass and listen to our gut and know what’s important to us. 




As we. We set these boundaries, people are going to react. . They could choose to be upset and that’s okay. 


 It’s okay. That other people are upset. It’s okay. That they don’t like it. 


. You got to take care of you because what happens when you don’t. Is. You are feeling frustration, you are feeling resentment. You are feeling like a doormat. And. You don’t need to feel that. That way. 


Just let them be upset and let them work through it. And again, if you’re clear, And you’re loving  you are coming at this from a place of love. 




They get to feel how they feel and that’s okay. We can have. Compassion for that, but we also get to. Have compassion for ourselves and, and take care of ourselves. 


And it wants you to be really gentle and careful with yourself. If you’re in early grief and you’re feeling like. There are a whole bunch of people just. Breaking your boundaries on all sides and you just don’t feel like you have the emotional energy to deal with it. Just take a step back, take a deep breath and start really small and slow. And. 


Go through these steps. Look at what you’re making it mean. About how people are behaving or what they’ve done.  Then just keep moving through the steps is figure out what you want to do why you want to do it What is your gut telling you what is your heart telling you what is your soul telling you And then it’d be really confident that you are in control of your emotions You have every right to take care of your own tender emotions  if you need some space that’s okay  it’s okay to express that it’s okay that people might be upset I think the most important thing in grief is that you bring in that circle to the most important things and to things that are your priorities and that is usually you Your mental and emotional health And the mental and emotional health of your family Your immediate family and if people are understanding what you need to do You have to take the courage to express that to them And again no That that brief uncomfortable feeling And then having the relief Of having is that what you needed to say Is going to totally be worth it So remember stay peaceful say calm  we’re not trying to eliminate people A lot of times when i see people especially in grief When there’s someone who isn’t showing up the way they want A lot of times we feel like the only thing we can do Is cut those people out of our lives And you may need to do that But i personally would see it as a last resort you may need to evolve that relationship change  how it’s functioning But you don’t need to cut people out Because they don’t understand your grief or because they say things or do things that you don’t like You just need to love yourself love them And set a boundary if it’s needed And bring it back to you   people are put into our lives to teach us things And for a lot of us We need to learn how to stand up for ourselves we need to learn how to say no We need to learn how to say yes 100% not yes because we don’t want people to be upset with us or because we think we should say yes Or whatever it is so look at these people who push your boundaries What are they teaching you How can this be a great way to improve your relationship It will feel so much better for you So i just want to finish up with one more Quote From burke castillo She says boundaries of the most amazing wonderful and yet difficult things to implement they are beautiful tools that can create intimacy in relationships rather than blocking it out They don’t keep people Out of our lives they simply keep people from violating important spaces setting boundaries is about telling the truth to ourselves and to the people in our lives Also remember that following through on our consequences 100% of the time it’s critical to making this tool effective in your life Finally remember if you’re willing to have the courage to honor yourself tell the truth and ultimately protect yourself you will see an increase of peace and intimacy in your life And what i love about that  is This is boundaries  We sometimes need to set them up but we do it out of a place of love And then we follow through You got to have the courage to follow through on what you’ve decided you’re going to do if someone Crosses a boundary And i promise you are going to learn so much and grow so much from doing this work of cleaning up the way you’re thinking and cleaning up what you’re making people’s behavior mean Remembering that you don’t have control over their behavior but you do have control over yourself And listen to your inside compass listen to your heart listen to your soul Stand up for yourself when you need to You are worth it I’ll see you next time  

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