You are currently viewing Episode 85 – The Green-Eyed Monster

Episode 85 – The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy can seem like it just takes over your life after loss. All the happy bellies and oblivious moms are everywhere. There is so much to be jealous about and it feels terrible.

That’s why today we are going to learn where the jealousy is really coming from and how to tame the green-eyed monster so you can move through your life without all the drama.

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What’s going on out there. How are you today? What are you up to? I wish you could tell me back. Are you folding laundry? That’s my favorite time to listen to podcasts, pulling laundry, going for a walk, although it’s been freezing here. So I have not been outside as much as I wish I was. Well, whatever you’re doing, I hope that you just giving yourself this little bit of time to recharge and maybe learn something new.


, look at life with a little bit different, and I really want you to be able to find joy in your life after loss. That’s my goal. That’s why I’m here. There’s anything I can do for you. Come and talk to me on Instagram at Amy dot Smith stones coaching. I answer all my own DMS. I am hanging out over there.


, but today we are going to talk about jealousy. And I just wanted to say that in this podcast, I’m going to give you lots of tips. We’ve got so much good information, but I don’t know your specific situation. So if you do have jealousy as a problem in your life and you want to let go of it and improve your relationships and really just get relief from obsessing over what other people have.


You have to come and work with me. That’s where the real magic happens because you can make progress a lot faster. When someone outside, you can show you what’s happening in your brain. So all you gotta do is go to smooth stones, There’s a button right on the home page. It says, book a consult call.


It’s so easy. Just pick a time that works for you. We’re going to meet on zoom and let’s talk about what you’re jealous of and how to heal. All right. You know, that I love, uh, looking up a dictionary definition, but today I, I’m not going to read you any, I just wanted to talk a little bit about jealousy and envy because when I was thinking about this subject, It’s kind of a question, like, are they the same thing?


We kind of use jealousy as this term that more often than envy, but do jealousy and envy show up different for you or are they just the same? Of course words always have meanings that we’ve assigned to them. But since we’re doing this deep dive on jealousy, I want to make sure that you see there is a slight difference.


And I really encourage you to increase your emotional vocabulary. It helps so much in yourself coaching. And if you’re working with me, there are amazing emotion wheels on Google, like just Google emotion wheel or emotions list. And just notice there’s like hundreds of emotions, but we really just kind of stick with the same, I don’t know, five to 10 emotion words.


So getting to know your emotions. Is a good thing. It’s always going to help you identify what’s going on for you.  Something I wanted to point out is when I did look up the difference between jealousy and envy, the dictionary itself blames the emotions on circumstances or other people. So it makes so much sense why it’s so hard to separate out where our emotions are coming from.


If we’ve been taught a different way, all our lives, right? We’ve been taught that other people make us jealous. Or  things make us jealous, but I will tell you that once you can see this, once you can see that our thoughts create our emotions, not the circumstances of our lives, everything changes now, jealousy seems to be more about the fear of something being taken away from you.


So, uh, something I read even defined it as like, it takes three people like. A spouse is jealous of the cute new secretary, right? There’s kind of three things involved in that. Or you might be jealous of the X-Box. If your husband spends a lot of time on it, it’s like something’s being taken away from you, 


like your time or his attention, but there’s kind of three parties. Even if one of the parties is a video game system. And it feels a lot like anxiety. Like you’re always, it’s a worry, right? Like you’re worried about it. Envy is more, that’s just something between us and something we want. So it might be between two things.


So usually something that someone has. So we are envious of people who have pretty new houses or posts or fun girls trips on social media that we weren’t invited to. It’s a, more of a feeling of discontent or longing, but it’s the kind that keeps us stuck because we just keep wishing that we have what they have, but we’re, we’re very focused on other people, other people’s lives instead of ourselves.


So that is always going to keep us stuck. Like when we’re, we have a certain amount of brain juice and if we’re putting a lot of it towards other people’s lives and what they are doing, We don’t have it to point back to us and to take care of us and our own needs. The one of the 10 commandments is thou shall not covet.


And that tells us that humans have always had a tendency to want what they don’t have. It also tells us that God doesn’t want us to use our energy there. And that he knows that what we think creates what we feel and what we do, or at least I do me and my coach, Jodie Morris. She really feels like. The gospel a religion actually goes hand-in-hand with using the model that all goes together.


Right? So a really clear example of this is David in the Bible who sees Bathsheba and Watts, her and thinks she’s, you know, pretty cute. And he makes all kinds of terrible choices in that desire.  He wants someone else’s. Wow. And he wants to be with her. And there are terrible consequences in this story.


And it all started with a thought,  he saw her and thought she was beautiful, but then he thought I want her, instead of saying, I shouldn’t look at her and turning away, , he went down a different path. So I want you to take a minute and notice what you are jealous of most often. Okay. This, these tips are really going to be most helpful.


If you even pause and think what, what do I find being jealous of most often? And even if you don’t consider yourself a really jealous. Just notice. There’s always things,  that we think of, like all I could say, my husband tends to get to take naps when he wants. And I’m always like, why can’t I just take naps?


And he says, you can, but I just choose to be jealous. . Even though I choose to stay awake and do other things. , so it could even be little things like that. Now it is okay. If you feel jealous, it is part of being a human. We don’t want to judge it. We just want to notice it. Okay. That’s the first step always being aware.


So some of the things I’ve coached people on relating to jealousy is maybe that they don’t have family close by to help them. Especially if like siblings are close to grandma, grandpa, and they get help of family members who are pregnant, not getting invited to parties. They could even be jealous of their husbands grieving process, which looks like a lot easier than theirs.


 Family dynamics is a lot of what we get jealous of, which is interesting. Right? Cause those are the relationships we want to work the most. They’re the ones we care about the most, but they’re the ones that often. Have these jealous envious emotions rise up. So in pregnancy loss are generally some recurring, , jealousies that I see, like being jealous of people with easy knife, pregnancies, people who get pregnant easily, right?


If you’ve struggled with infertility or recurrent miscarriage, people who have the amount of kids you want, or the genders you want, , the amount of pictures or memories you got of your baby. I see this a lot, , which PS, this there’s never going to be enough memories or pictures or things, but you can find peace around it, but it’s really easy to compare and be envious of what other people got in that kind of terrible time.


And most of the time that’s so out of our control because. It’s the nurses or the support groups or the whatever, someone who is coming in and helping those people. And none of us really know what to do. And so as much as I, I wish everyone got amazing support and options, , they don’t always, or if you had an earlier miscarriage, like you might not, you just don’t have the options.


Like your option might be. Miscarrying and the toilet. Right. And you don’t have anything. , so in this world that we live in, where we do have support, that is one thing that comes up is you see what other people got in it. And then we start comparing and then that’s where the envy comes in. Another thing I see a lot is bodies or body parts, right?


We, as females are often so hard on our bodies and we just want to look like someone and it can be all mixed in with our loss and our pregnancies and our hormones and, and things that have changed.  And so when you don’t have a baby to show for it, it can even be more of just feeling frustrated that we don’t have the body we want.


And it can be really blurry with this. Is it envy or is it jealousy with, with pregnancy loss? Because you want what someone has and it also feels like their happiness or their baby or whatever they have take something away from you. It may even be your grief. I see that a lot. You are afraid that someone else’s good news might take away from the focus on you.


Or a rainbow baby, many times it’s conflicting because sharing your own good news feels like it takes away from your grief. And it takes away from the reality of pregnancy after loss. So then that wish for an easy naive pregnancy or everyone is just, it’s all happy. And joy comes in again. Now all of this to say.


That jealousy and envy come from a place of believing that your happiness comes from outside of you, but that is not true. Happiness is an inside job and letting go of jealousy that is draining your emotional energy is a choice you can make for you, right? It’s like a gift you give yourself to let go of jealous.


Another fallacy that our brain offers to us is that happiness is a zero sum game, which means if someone else is happy or someone else has a living baby or a great new job. That somehow means there is less for us. It’s like there’s one pie and someone taking a piece means there’s less for you. It shows up in a lot of places when we talk about kind of living in an abundant way or living in scarcity.


These are words that we use a lot in mindset and coaching. So this might show up at other places where you feel like someone else’s good takes away from yours, but the truth is we each have our own pie. There is pie enough for everyone. And some are strawberry rhubarb and some are lemon merengue, and some are coconut cream and you just get to enjoy your pie.


And I kind of hate coconut. So I’m happy that someone else hasn’t, it takes nothing from me to see them enjoying. Now this little pie analogy will actually serve you in so many different places, but for jealousy, I just want to illustrate that no one can take anything away from you. It’s not a competition.


It’s not a zero sum game. We all can have exactly what we need. What would it be different if you allowed yourself to believe that? Especially if you have a habit of feeling jealous or envious, It will take work. You have to keep reminding yourself that there is no threat to you until your brain settles down and believes it, but it is possible.


Now the cure for jealousy is gratitude. There are people in this world who have by our standards, nothing, nothing materially, and yet they are often the happiest people. And those people who have nothing often have really, really hard lives. They work hard. They have a bad things that happened to them, but they’re still happy.


And there are people in this world with everything who are absolutely miserable. Our thoughts, create our emotions, not what we have or don’t have. When I say gratitude, I don’t mean being fake positive, or like I have three living kids. I shouldn’t miss my baby. I mean, deep down, looking at your life and giving your brain the job of noticing all the good and it is.


After Lauren died, we had friends who made beautiful caskets and we were able to get one for her. We were so grateful for that. And many other tender mercies that came together at that time, we were also have absolutely devastated, but there were still things to be grateful for. And seeing those things both big and small really helped us in that first.


Really crazy week. And as we’ve gone on through life almost nine years now, another thought that really helps with jealousy is no one escapes the 50 50. And what I mean by that is everyone’s life is going to have half positive and half negative emotions. So when you look at someone and their life looks perfect, or you notice that your brain is fixated on what they have know that they have problems.


A few episodes ago, I interviewed Emily and Adams who wrote an entire book on trials just by interviewing people in a small, area near her. And she had no shortage of stories to include.


When you feel that green-eyed monster rearing its head, you just need to remind yourself that no one has a perfect life. And I also find that the closer you get to. The more, you’re going to find that to be true, right? Like it’s very easy when you see someone’s social media life to believe that everything is perfect and their house is always clean and their family always matches.


But the more you get to know people, the more you really dive into your focusing on yourself and just recognizing the way humans are, the more you’re going to find out that it’s never exactly what people presume. And that’s okay. So I want you to try this exercise in your life. Just play with it, look at how everything is 50 50, , and things are hard.


Like it’s hard either way. Having kids is hard and amazing and having no babies in your arms is hard. And also it can be amazing. Having a great career is hard and being a stay-at-home mom is hard. Having an old car that breaks down as hard and having car payments is hard. Now, this is a little personal example I added in from this week.


Our old van finally was just so unreliable and we had to replace it because we just didn’t feel like it was safe for our teenagers to drive. And I can tell you, this is not a good time to get a deal on a little car for your kids to drive around town. Uh, so. I hope that your cars are all working well, but you know, it’s nice.


It’s nice because I spent a lot of energy worrying that I was going to get a phone call from my daughter, that the car had died and now I don’t have to do that. , but now my brain wants to worry about getting a call that she’s hit a deer in the new car. So that’s just what brains do.  We just love ourselves through that.


We just. Notice how our brains like to focus on the negative. They like to complain. , and there might be people that are jealous that she has a new little car. I mean, a new used car, of course.  But yeah, they’re not paying those car payments like we are. So it’s all, it’s just 50, 50. And the more you just look around and play with it,


the person that has the super clean house. They really spend a lot of time cleaning. And so you don’t need to be jealous of that, right? If you choose not to spend all your time cleaning and they might be jealous that you, , aren’t like obsessively cleaning all the time or getting after your kids, 


they might wish they could be more like you and you might wish you could be more like them, but if you just understand everything is like that. It’s so much easier to let go of the jealousy. And it’s okay though, if you’re struggling, it’s okay. That things are feeling hard. It’s okay. You’re sad about things in your life.


 When we talk about everybody has.  We want to feel those negative emotions we want to allow for them. They’re not a problem, but I just want you to be able to release being jealous of other people or jealous of your former self, right? Sometimes that’s the case you have enough to deal with is being jealous, really where you want to put your inner.


I want you to give yourself a lot of compassion, but I also really want you to take a look at what results you’re creating with jealousy.


The universe is always conspiring in your favor. All is for our good. If we let it be, notice how this is true, instead of noticing how the university of SAR really favor your sister-in-law, it will feel a lot better.


You are the author of your story. You get to tell it however you want. Do you want to tell a story about how everyone has a better than you and how their happiness robbed you of yours? Or do you want to tell a story where we all get our own happy ending after lots and lots of adventures that bag’s triumphs and failures jealousy takes it tears down.


It makes us show up in ways that don’t feel. It disconnects us from others because we were blinded by our own perceptions. Jealousy is not a useful emotion, especially in grief. It is not a given. It doesn’t just happen. It comes from how we’re thinking. And I know a lot of people will say, no, it just happens.


Like I can’t help it. Right. And we see it kind of normalized. And I love that in the sentence. You can give yourself grace, but I don’t want you to accept that. It’s just, like I said, it’s not a given you don’t have to be jealous. Some thoughts that really helped to me where I’m so glad their baby is safe.


I hope all the babies live. I have no idea what she’s going through. Or I’m so grateful that the fill in the blank, or I’m happy that they’re happy cheering for everyone is so much more fun. Believing that a high tide raises all ships means other people’s success is good for everyone. You don’t have to compare and despair, bring it back to you, take care of your needs and find joy in your life when you’re confident, what other people are doing really doesn’t affect.


This is a skill and it takes practice and awareness, but you can do it. If this is a struggle for you, please come talk to me. I know it can seem like a cycle you just can’t break out of, but you haven’t tried coaching with me yet. So go to the link in my show notes, or go to smooth stones, and sign up for a console call.


I can’t wait to talk to you and I’m giving you a challenge. Notice where jealousy comes up for you. And then really notice how everything is. 50 50 have a wonderful week. You guys, I love you. 

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