You are currently viewing Episode 174 – Babyloss Money Blocks

Episode 174 – Babyloss Money Blocks

Do you find yourself worrying about money way more than you used to? It seems like you can’t have a conversation, turn on the news, or get on the Internet without hearing about the state of the economy. 

Today I want to talk about money but not in a way you’ve heard before. We’re diving into specific money blocks that I see all the time in the babyloss community. We have some very unique struggles and I’m laying it all out so we can break down those blocks and get you feeling more freedom, more peace, and less frustration around the money you’ve been forced to spend because of your miscarriage, stillbirth or baby loss.


 What’s up friends? Uh, I am coming at you from my new office And i’m sitting in a camping chair. If you hear any weird creaking, uh, it’s a camping chair. We just moved I’m in my new office and It’s getting there. We’re getting there. I’ve got the little Ikea cubby thing going. I’ve got some cute angel baby stuff out.

I’ve got my desk and I just dug out my microphone and I’m excited. But yeah, definitely life has been really, really busy at our house. We’ve been doing some big projects. We put in a fireplace with shelves. We put in a backsplash. Well, I hired some people to put in a backsplash cause it, Was a little above my skill level, although I love to DIY literally anything I can and I, I was ready to go on this tile.

It’s like this really fancy natural stone mosaic and I just started feeling overwhelmed. So we called a professional, some professionals in and I’m so glad we did. Um, it turned out really good, but I am still just, I feel like all I do is clean up dust. So if you’ve recently moved. I’m standing in solidarity.

Or if you’re renovating, listen, some of these things are just like such a mix of good and exhausting and all the emotions. So we’re really excited to be in our own place again and just be getting settled. So. More to come. If you follow me on Instagram, I’ve been posting, um, a little bit of updates, but really I have not, I have just been moving, packing, unpacking, trying to organize ourselves.

, just finishing out the last few days of school and yeah, it’ll be definitely one for the record books this year. So I want to talk about today’s topic. . This idea came to me and I’ve thought about it before, but I think it’s really, really important. And I started out thinking this would be a fun one to talk about because I do actually love talking about money and money blocks.

And I love the things I’ve learned from some of my mentors about like my, um, Attitude towards money what it was like because of how I grew up and different things and how I can shift that and change that Uh, but this got kind of heavy really quickly as I thought of examples and different issues that come up after a loss of a child so I’m, just going to encourage you as you listen to really open up this week and Digest this with the most open mind you can have All humans have challenges.

I truly believe we make them worse by thinking that we shouldn’t, or that we shouldn’t have certain challenges. Um, resistance brings suffering, even resistance to what seems categorically unfair, you do have the power to let go of some of your money blocks, no matter what they are. Now I have to say, if you’re not in the U S you might have different experiences Or, and some of these lean more towards if you had a stillbirth, if you had a burial, if you had like a hospital situation rather than maybe an earlier loss at home.

, but really I want to, as always, just take these nuggets and these lessons and apply them to your own situation. Because I did have a stillbirth and I had a miscarriage where I had a surgery. Um, And I hear a lot of stories, which is what I kind of bring my experience and all the experience of my clients and people I know and, um, bring it all together.

Just, um, just apply this to your own situation. And I want you to think about your loss and any costs that came along with that loss. And a lot of us are just really mad about it. So what are you mad about? Now, we have these costs, we have these bills. Maybe we’ve already paid them, maybe we’re still paying them.

There’s a lot of places that we are with our money, but like I said before, when we are fighting these things, when we are like actively banging up against these money blocks over and over and over. It adds a lot of extra suffering to our lives. So I wanted to just talk through some that I see pretty often and then talk about how do we let go of those?

What, what happens and what are kind of the, the common themes that I see. So as always, add your own thing, make it your own. Um, and apply it to your specific situation, but you’re probably going to hear some things that are going to touch a nerve that are going to feel really familiar, um, as they go through all of this.

So a real easy one is hospital bills. Uh, you still have to pay in the U S when your baby dies. Uh, maybe even more, maybe you had a NICU stay, maybe you had surgery, maybe you had a lot of different things, high risk things. extra care, and that can be expensive. There are funeral home bills. That can be expensive.

You’ve got to buy a plot. You’ve got to, um, get a gravestone. Right? Some people really, maybe you haven’t gotten one yet because you’re waiting, because it’s expensive. Or maybe you got one that you didn’t like as much because that was what you could afford. I know for us, um, we were offered The stone itself was free for babies, um, cause they just use like their scraps in a small one, but we did have to pay to get it installed.

And I know that cost at the time was a big factor in kind of just moving forward with a small, small stone. Also sometimes we have, after a loss, a lot of times people will give money, right? We have GoFundMes, we have just people, Venmo you, it’s kind of, traditional, I guess, when someone’s grieving to maybe send them some money.

But sometimes that doesn’t happen because you had a miscarriage or you, I don’t know, for whatever reason, people didn’t give you money. And then maybe you see other people getting lots of donations. Maybe you’re in the Babyloss community or you have friends and you like, Well, their child died and they got all this money and this outpouring of support and I didn’t.

So if that is part of your story, whether or not people helped you pay for things, whether you thought they would, whether like they said they would and they didn’t, or they changed their mind, or even if people did, maybe people really were kind and generous to you. And that’s a bit of a block. Like maybe you have some thoughts and some feelings around.

Just money and donations and gifts. , something I also see is people feeling upset that they wasted money buying baby things. Maybe you got a new crib, you got new clothes, you had a car seat. You sometimes people have bought new houses. When I did an episode a while ago on moving and I asked in a support group, I’m in, you know, what, What things about moving were a problem and some people said yeah We bought a bigger house because we thought we were gonna have a baby like we’re gonna have more kids And then we didn’t have those kids.

And so sometimes we can feel like we spent a lot of money on Things that we’re not getting to use and then it’s like well, what do I do now? Do I sell it? Do I keep it? Do I give it away? There can be a lot of money blocks there about the things we have for our baby You Then there’s just how expensive everything is, right?

That is kind of a blanket thing right now, as I record, we’re in, um, May 2024 and things are expensive. That is a thought that a lot of us in the world have. And of course that’s subjective. That is a story. So I want you to catch yourself if you’re saying how expensive things are, but. Um, I remember even just like the food that I ate in the hospital when Lauren died, which was like nothing.

And it was not very good because they wouldn’t let me eat while I was in labor. And then I had this, like, I remember this just like really sad breakfast and then they still charge you like 50 or whatever for, for , for caring for you. And anyways, there can be a lot of things that are expensive or maybe.

Like you’re getting your gravestone and you’re like, Oh my goodness, I can’t believe how much a gravestone costs. Um, and it’s just surprising right It’s more like this surprise of wishing things were less expensive or things being much more than you thought they would be Right. Those bills are rolling in and they’re shocking another money block I see people have is The cost that it takes or the amount of investment you need to make in your mental health You You’re postpartum health, getting therapy, getting coaching, getting support,

that can cost money. And I see a lot of people being mad that it costs money. They’re thinking that they can’t afford it. And there are lots of options, right? There’s free options. There’s groups, there’s local things, there’s online things. But I see a lot of people being kind of upset and yes, wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where mental health was supported, um, and was free, but it isn’t for a lot of people.

And so that can be a real hang up. And. I see that for me when people come and they want to do coaching and they’re like, Oh, there’s a cost. And I try to keep my costs really reasonable. And I’m very, very flexible. I never want costs to be a reason that someone can’t get coaching. So I will totally work with you.

Um, and your budget that’s very, very important to me, but yeah, It can be expensive and anybody that has like if you’ve got teenagers that are struggling and it’s like oh my goodness like we are just trying to keep these kids going and it’s expensive. It, you have to pay for mental health support. So I want you to again ask yourself that question.

Have you avoided getting support because of the cost? Are you doing it but are you complaining and mad that it costs so much? Other costs can be for fertility treatments or using other options to grow your family, whether you’re doing even foster, adopting, like using a surrogate or gestational carrier.

You are just trying everything you can to get the family you want and it costs money. Do you have any blocks there? Another really simple one though that I see a lot and it’s actually does go really deep is like new buying new clothes that fit your body. A lot of us have a really weird relationship with our body after our baby dies and we still have like different sizes and weights and and things are different than they were before.

And we don’t want to buy new clothes. Everything’s expensive. Clothes are expensive, right? So we just sit in our clothes that don’t fit that make us feel like yucky and we don’t love and we stand in our closet and we’re just like, uh, all of this, but we just have this block around buying clothing that fits our body and helps us to feel good.

And another one that I was thinking of was that I see a lot is we can’t do. X because we had to pay for Y. Now Y is something from your loss. So we were going to go on a cruise, but we had to buy a gravestone instead, or we were going to buy a house, but now we’re paying all these medical bills. If you find yourself doing that, if you’re blaming the choices you’re making, if you’re blaming the opportunities you have, if you’re kind of just really Yeah, just blaming the costs associated with your loss for things that you think you cannot do or that you cannot afford.

That’s a really tough place to be. So I always want you to give yourself some love if you have that story running through your head a lot. But also that is creating a lot of suffering for you. So not only did your baby die and that’s sad, now you feel like financially it has taken opportunities from you.

And so it’s just like this whole big snowball of just being upset. All of these things, and again, add your own examples, but it all boils down to a few categories. First one, it’s not fair to pay for something that was hard. Have you ever had that thought or is that behind your money story? It’s not fair to pay for something that was hard.

Uh, I see this a lot where it’s like People don’t want to Pay for the death of their baby. They don’t want to pay for the medical care they received during the death of their baby like it It doesn’t seem fair But look at where that puts you It’s like now what? You’re kind of stuck money block. Another one is I am paying when mistakes were made and we’re blaming,

so maybe if we had a situation where we had some care that maybe wasn’t helping us or wasn’t enough, didn’t prevent our loss and we’re still paying for it. That seems unfair. That brings a lot of suffering. That gives us a really big money block. I shouldn’t have to pay. Do you have that story? I shouldn’t have to pay for a surgery where they took my baby out of my body, like basically against my will.

In my case, I almost died. Uh, I had a horrible experience during surgery and. I got a bill for like 15, 000. Now, I had great insurance. It covered everything, but we did have a few things here and there that I had to be fighting with, um, insurance and different things. And yeah, we just think, uh, we should not have to pay for that.

Another one is support shouldn’t cost money. We think again, wouldn’t it be nice if everything was free if mental health was just free? Now some of this is rooted in patriarchy and I Have really loved uncovering my thoughts about this. So if you’re way Into this good if this is the first time if you’re like, uh, I don’t want to talk about patriarchy, but Here’s the thing This is basically what it boils down to in this case soft skills Are not as valued in our society.

Caregiving skills are not as valued in our society. So traditional female roles are not as valued and we feel like it should be given for free. So many of us listening are helpers. We want to be helpers and we feel bad like we wouldn’t ever charge someone, right? I wouldn’t charge someone for helping.

Helping should be free. It should be given from our hearts. Many of us have religious beliefs or values where we say, yeah, we should give freely. But that brings a lot of suffering because here we are saying like therapy should be free or

support shouldn’t cost money. Can you see how big of a block that is? It’s like, well, then what? Because it does. The reality is for many, many people, it does cost money. And so if you just want to sit there and think it shouldn’t, where can you go from there? You’re stuck. And also if you are a caregiver, I want you to just really check out and see if you are undervaluing yourself Because you are giving care because you’re giving support because of where you’re coming from your skills are valuable and worth something

Another money block Category that I have is having a baby should be easy and free This is like an overarching, everybody thinks this, everybody thinks this, but after a loss, it is a huge block to you to getting what you want, to finding peace in your life. If you believe that having a baby should be easy and free, and that’s not your experience, where do you have to go?

You are stuck. This is a money block. And the last one I’m going to talk about the category is people shouldn’t profit from my pain. That is a tough one. What feelings come up there for you when you think that people shouldn’t profit from my pain?

Have you thought that? Have you thought it consciously or have you maybe thought it unconsciously? And now that I say it out loud, you’re like, Ooh, that is something that I think and something that I believe. So I’m going to gently remind you again, that our thoughts are all optional. This thought is not one that I would want to keep.

And if you do some searching and you find it in your heart, in your mind, you can acknowledge it. Give yourself so much love and also start the process of releasing it Here’s the thing and I’m gonna now we’re gonna go into like now what do I do? I’m I see these blocks. I have these bills. I have these things in my life where money that is tied to the loss of my baby is Really keeping me held back Don’t worry, I’m always going to help you.

Here’s the thing, people pay for hard things all the time. I want my doctors to be well paid. I want people to want to be funeral directors. It is not an easy job and it’s okay to pay them. I am currently paying two men To install some ridiculously beautiful but complicated tile in my kitchen. Like I said at the top, uh, it’s too hard for me.

It’s worth paying for their skills, their tools, and experience. There is value in knowledge. When we downplay it in others, we downplay it in ourselves. So watch for this. People pay for hard things. All the time that is going to combat this idea that you shouldn’t have to pay for hard things.

Now, if you have a situation where you have some blame or some mistakes, um, absolutely. If you feel like there is negligence or intentional harm in your situation and you want to pursue some accountability, whatever that looks like, please do so. Take your own mental health and your energy into account as you go into what unfortunately can be a long, expensive, difficult battle.

But if you know in your gut that something needs to be done, you can do it. Uh, that is, I mean, so many things have changed because bereaved mothers have just stood up and said, never again. And so, um, I highly honor that. But in many cases, we can’t take legal recourse or get compensation, so these bills are just going to stand.

We can be angry about it, we can have all the feelings about it, but do it mindfully. Know that you’re frustrated because it does not feel at all comfortable to be paying people whose job it was to protect you and your child when that didn’t happen. There is a level of trust that has been betrayed and it’s okay to allow yourself to process that as long as you need.

You do need to pay the bills though, because I’m guessing that’s the kind of person you are. If and when you want to find some peace around this, I would do some gentle exploring around this line of thinking where you believe you shouldn’t have to pay if mistakes are made. Not to make light of something so tender, but I was thinking about fast food.

How often do we pay, get our order, drive off, and it’s not right? Now, sometimes we turn around, we go fix it, if we can, but most of the time we drive on, we complain a bit, and we get over it. Maybe we don’t go back to that restaurant. Maybe we complain to our friends, but we don’t dwell on it forever. We kind of know that it happens.

The thing about life on earth is we are dealing with fallible humans always. We are fallible and so is everyone else. 15 year olds working their first job, mess up orders. Doctors who truly want to help people make mistakes or have holes in their training or lack experience, or simply looked at the data, made their best recommendation.

and got it wrong. It doesn’t matter the reason. What matters is your peace of mind. When you get hung up on paying for something you think is a messed up order, how do you feel? How much energy does it take from you each day, each month, every time you see a bill? What if you could give yourself the gift of not being mad about it anymore?

So I am going to wrap this up by just saying that Whatever your story, you can heal it. Whenever you’re ready, I encourage you to start examining your money blocks around your loss specifically. If you want to do that with support, I’m your girl. Simply go in the show notes and click the link to set up a connection call.

When you can let go of the money blocks you’re facing, you’ll be much more able to achieve the dreams you have for yourself and for your family. Money becomes easier. You think about it less. And when you do, it’s more about creating the life that you want. I encourage you to keep this conversation going.

Come on over and talk to me on Instagram. Send me an email. I am here. But look, there is going to be some money stories for most of us around our losses. And that’s okay. You can love yourself and you can decide that you want to let it go. I’ll see you next time.

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