You are currently viewing Episode 32 – Should I Have Another Baby After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss?

Episode 32 – Should I Have Another Baby After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss?

For so many families, this question is BIG and SCARY…should we try again?

What if we have another loss?

We put so much weight on it that we get stuck.

Today’s episode will help you get un stuck by giving you a whole new way to approach this choice.

It doesn’t have to be hard, especially when you have a coach to help you.

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Music provided by ZingDog / Pond5

Photo by Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash


Hey guys, welcome to this episode where we are going to talk about the question, should I have another baby? And the way we make this decision is going to be really similar to how we make a lot of other decisions.

So if you have kids that you’re trying to decide, Whether or not they should go back to school, whether they should stay home. All of these questions that so many of us have. I think this episode is really gonna be helpful because the tools we use to make a decision about school is gonna be some of the same tools that we use to make a decision about should we have another baby.

So let’s just dive right in. This question is something that most of us will have to decide. And even if you have already, I think you’re still gonna get some good stuff out of hearing me talk about it. So in the Lost World, there is a lot of talk about rainbow babies. I. And depending on where you are in your situation, having more kids after loss may be something you really want to do.

Maybe you’re young and you miscarried your first baby, so every baby that you have is going to be a rainbow baby. Or you may be older and you feel like time is running out. I remember after we lost Lauren, there was this huge desire to hold a living baby, to have someone to sleep in the brand new crib I had just put together.

Maybe you’ve been through multiple losses and you just want one more chance for a living baby, or you have embryos frozen that you have to decide about wherever you are. By the end of this episode, you’re gonna have a lot more clarity and a totally different way of looking at this decision. I. Because of our losses and the fear of another loss.

It makes it seem like such a big, heavy and scary question to answer, and it seems like it’s a lot tougher for us than it is for normal couples, right? We look around and it seems like everyone else just has to decide how many babies they want, and then they just get one nine months later. It’s so easy for other people.

They don’t have all the worries we have, and we have to know if we’ll be able to keep the baby. We don’t necessarily think we’ll be able to handle another loss, and we think this is a really hard decision, but all of those things are just thoughts. They’re not facts and all thoughts are optional. I know they seem like facts right now, but it’s a story that we’ve made up and you can choose to believe that story or not.

You can choose to tell a story that serves you as you decide. See, the interesting thing is I hear people all the time say they wish they knew more about loss before it happened to them. They think if they did, somehow they would’ve been more prepared and maybe it would’ve hurt less. But then when we do know personally about loss, we think we’ve been robbed of our innocence and we wish we were blissfully unaware.

Now, there’s no need to judge these kind of thoughts. Just notice how our brain is trying so hard to offer us solutions to our challenges. But you don’t have to believe everything you think. The fact is, you actually are more experienced and more informed now than you have ever been, and we all know that experience and information are gonna help us make better decisions.

Let’s talk about some of the things involved in choosing to try again. I. There may be medical issues that you need to take into account. Do your research, get second and third opinions, and don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself. Many doctors will make recommendations on how long you should wait, when you should be tested, your chances of another loss, if you should try again at all, and what that might look like.

All of that information can be put into the circumstance line of your model, and then you get to decide what you think about it, how you feel about it, and what you do with it. You always have choices. Then there is your mental health. You want to know if you can handle another pregnancy or if you’re ready emotionally, you want a nice, neat answer, but there isn’t one guys.

You just get to decide. I’ve heard it said that when your desire to move forward is greater than the fear of trying, then you’re ready. It’s really important to know that there will likely be fear present in any decision you make. That’s why we often need courage. Courage is in the absence of fear. It comes as you keep moving forward towards the thing that scares you.

That could be trying again, or it could be growing your family a different way, or it could be choosing to be done. But we never want fear to be the driver of our decisions. It can be the passenger, but never the driver. We want to have this feeling of being ready because it seems like if we can get there, we will know what to do.

It’s just another way. Our brain conserves energy and keeps us stuck waiting for some magical time in the future to just happen. And so in that way, confusion is useful to us. Can you see this showing up in your own life? Don’t judge it. Just notice it. And don’t be afraid to get help. You don’t have to make this decision alone, and you don’t have to deal with what comes after the decision alone.

I love helping my clients come up with a plan they feel good about, and I love being with them every step of the way, no matter what they choose. I highly recommend starting today if you’re wondering if you should try again or not. Don’t wait until you feel ready or until things are really bad. So many of us do this to ourselves.

I’m telling you, you’ll be able to move ahead 10 times faster with a coach. There’s a link in the show notes to sign up for a free session. Go do it. Something else that is often part of this decision is our beliefs. What is God’s plan for me? What if there are more children that need to come to our family?

What have you been taught in your church about multiplying and replenishing the earth? Maybe you have felt promptings or answers to prayers about what you should do. You might’ve even had dreams about other babies, or maybe you’ve gotten no help from heaven. And this is another case where we really want answers.

We want something else to make our choice for us. We want to know for certain what to do. We want to make the right decision. The thing about God is he always lets us choose. His way is to allow us to come here to earth and learn and grow. If anybody is gonna love us and understand why we do what we do, it’s him.

If you are a woman of faith, God goes in the circumstance line and you get to believe anything you want about him. I like to believe he loves me exactly the way I am, and since he already knows the end from the beginning. I can’t make a choice that goes against his plan. After we had our first rainbow baby, I struggled a lot with whether we should have another child.

Every time I would think about getting rid of our baby things, I would cry. I would just straight up burst into tears. This was all before I had these mindset tools, so I just believed that that meant something. I wasn’t aware of my thoughts that were bringing up the emotion or that I had a choice about them, so I used that as a reason that maybe I was supposed to have another baby.

What are your personal beliefs? Often we have ideas about the size our family should be, how far apart the kids should be, and what genders we should have. Be open to the possibility that you were wrong about all of it. I laugh when I’m at the grocery store and see the family planning section. Even today with all the ways to have children and to prevent pregnancy, I don’t think I know a single family who got exactly what they thought they would When we allow ourselves to be wrong, it lifts so much of the pain and the pressure we can be in the present, be in reality, and stop arguing with it.

I am gonna give you some steps to help you with this decision if you are wanting to move forward. Now, the first thing I want you to do is make a list of all the reasons to have another baby, and then all the reasons not to on paper, my friend with a pen. And then go back through the list. Which reasons do you like, which ones do you wanna keep?

What emotions do these reasons bring up for you? I. Which ones align the most with your values? Second, identify the feeling you want to have. Everything we do is because of how we think It will make us feel everything, even having more babies. When you think about holding a living newborn, what is that feeling you want?

Or when you think about deciding that your family is complete as it is, what is the feeling you want or if you are thinking about fostering, adopting, or loving on other people’s kids, What is a feeling you want? Once you have that feeling narrowed down, the third step is you need to clean up your thinking so you can create it.

Now, most baby lost families are holding really tight to their story that something has gone wrong and that they can’t ever have the feelings they want unless something changes, like going back in time and saving their baby or going forward in time and guaranteeing a living rainbow baby. This is a huge stumbling block, not knowing if we’ll experience loss again.

That’s why it’s so easy to get stuck on this question. We are looking outside of us. We have given all control of our emotions to our circumstances, but I’m here to tell you that life is gonna be 50% negative emotions and 50% positive no matter what you choose. If you move ahead with another pregnancy, you’ll likely experience anxiety and excitement.

Having a baby is exhausting and joyful. Many people who have a rainbow baby even feel guilt because it is hard and they think they should just be super grateful because they got what they wanted. Not having a baby will give you different opportunities. You may feel some disappointment that you have to work through.

But you also may feel a lot of peace knowing you don’t have to deal with all the ups and downs of family building anymore. Hear me on this one. There is no wrong decision. What would be different if you believe that, if you really let yourself go there and get curious about how your life could be perfect, whatever you decide, even if you tried again and lost another one.

That’s how you get unstuck, mama. You have to clean up your story. You have to write a new one that reflects the truth of your life, and I’d love to help you because I know this is a tough one for so many people as well. Now, you may be able to work on this for yourself, but what about everyone else? Your other children may also have opinions.

They beg you for a little sibling. You and your husband may not be on the same page at all, and there can even be pressure from other family members in one way or another. That’s okay. Let people have their thoughts. They are none of your business. You have to have your own back in this. Ultimately, I want you to go back to that list of reasons and look at the ones you didn’t cross out.

Do you still like them? Are any of them trying to manage other people’s emotions? Like my daughter will be sad if she doesn’t have a baby to play with, or my husband is worried about how we will afford another baby. The only thing that causes other people’s emotions are their own thoughts, and you can’t control their thoughts.

I know we want to, but we can’t. So it’s best to just decide how you want to show up in your relationships, especially with your husband. If he really wants to try again, and you really want to be the kind of wife who’s willing to do that, great. But if you make a choice just to make him happy, and it goes against what you really want, that’s a.

Perfect breeding ground for resentment and resentment never serves a relationship. What I want you to see is that this decision does not have to be so big and so heavy if you don’t want it to be. In fact, you don’t have to make a choice at all. You could just see what happens. You can also make the choice to put this on a shelf for later, but do it intentionally.

Trust yourself, listen to your own internal wisdom. You have everything you need already. Believe you are smart and capable and that whatever you decide will be the right decisions because you say it is. You don’t need anything more than that. You are a superhero mom and you don’t make decisions from fear.

You choose the emotion you want and you create it with your thoughts, and then you take whatever action you need to to get the results you want. There’s no rush. There are no shoulds. Just this one wild and precious life before you. Don’t be afraid to live it the way you want to. Thanks so much for being here, you guys.

If you love this episode, will you rate it and give it a review or share it with a friend who’s struggling to make this decision right now? I would. Truly appreciate it. I’ll see you next time.

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