I love every time I’m going to record a podcast, there’s so much construction in my neighborhood. That’s what you get for getting a cool brand new house, but there’s so much noise. So I’m hoping that you can’t hear it. If you can hear little saws buzzing and whatever, um, you know, forgive me for that, but this is when I decided to record my podcast and they just started.

So I. I’m actually, I’ve really been thinking about this episode and wanted to share something kind of personal and I will, yeah, I don’t really do trigger warnings, but I am going to talk about pregnancy, but I think we talk about pregnancy and babies and all kinds of things here. So. That’s pretty normal.

If you need to like calm yourself, I promise I’ll make it gentle. But I wanted to talk about when you care deeply about someone who is pregnant. And I’ve talked about this idea where like everyone around you seems pregnant and it’s really frustrating and hard and like it really affects you. But this episode I want to talk about when we love someone and want the best for them and they’re pregnant.

And we’re kind of worried because of our story, because of what we’ve been through, because of our losses. And then, um, yeah, just worrying that something is going to happen to them

okay. I want to share some kind of exciting news. I am not pregnant. I’m that ship has sailed for us, but my oldest daughter is expecting and she’s about halfway through her pregnancy. And she didn’t tell us the first little while she told us when she was almost out of the first trimester. And I knew it was coming because I knew she, she really wants to have a baby, but they are. You know, just living life, trying to figure things out in this economy and going to school and working and all the things.

And, um, so it was a surprise for sure. And she told us in a really cute way and it was super exciting. And also I’m having that experience of caring a lot about a person who is pregnant and really hoping for the best, but also. Thinking about all the possible outcomes and how I can support her. And she’s very aware of the work that I do.

She’s helped me in many ways with the baby loss charity work. And, um, you know, she very much remembers both our losses because she’s our oldest. And. So it’s just been a really, really interesting thing. Like even when she tells me, um, my baby’s the size of a coconut or my baby’s the size of a mango, my baby’s the size of whatever I have actually seen and held babies of almost all gestations.

Like the littlest I’ve held is 13 weeks right up to full term, of course. And so I know what they look like, but I find myself not. Like, how do you share, you know, in it? Yeah, it just gets weird. Like sometimes the fruit depiction might be right on. And other times I’m like, well, if you like curled them in a ball, maybe that’s what size they are, but they’re really long and skinny.

And anyway, so there’s just all these things that come up. So I, in this episode really want to talk to you about. Number one, like really normalizing some of the things that happen when someone you care about is pregnant. And then, you know, kind of what do we do about it? Cause that’s always what we want.

What do we do about it? How do I handle this? And whether it’s happening right now, it’s happened in the past or it’s going to happen in the future. These tips will be really, really helpful for you. I’m just going to make a list. Some of these are things I’ve observed, things my clients have experienced, things I’ve experienced, things I am experiencing, but we’re just going to kind of make a list, um, because it all makes sense.

And I want you to make your own list. Like if you have some time, just think about it or write it down. But why does it make total sense that this is our experience, given what we’ve been through, given our losses. And, and I don’t know how many losses you’ve had or what your, your loss was like. But we all come into it with our own perspective.

So being worried about people we care about and their pregnancy and their baby, their health, their safety, totally makes sense. Right, I don’t resist it. I think what happens is we tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel this way or we shouldn’t we should be able to just be happy for them, you know, it’s the same.

It’s really similar to what we tell ourselves in pregnancy after loss. And I’m actually, as I was writing this out, I was thinking it’s like secondhand pregnancy after loss, because you really are worried for people. That’s okay. Like you don’t need to tell yourself that you’re negative or that you, you should be more positive.

You should be this, you should be that, you should be excited. You should be able to buy them clothes or you should be able to just be overjoyed with them. Um, it makes a lot of sense. That you’re worried about them and that you have a few hangups that other people don’t have. Another thing I see is really common is thinking that you’re bad luck.

Like if you talk about your loss, if you’re open about it, a lot of times when we’re around people, um, and they know that it’s like, you might feel like you’re bad luck or you’re this dark cloud. Then And that can be really, really tough. So, . And sometimes we do, even though we know like rationally in our higher brain, we know that loss is not contagious.

Sometimes it feels like it might be and we don’t want that to happen to other people. So totally normal to think that you’re bad luck or that you’re kind of this dark pregnancy loss, infant loss cloud. Um, something else that’s really understandable is being afraid to tell people what you know, what they should get checked, that they should kick count, , that you think they should do.

a, hospital birth or you think they shouldn’t do a hospital birth or you think they’re, you know, their plans. aren’t the safest. Um, it’s really, really hard to kind of check yourself and maybe hold back what you want to say. And also really hard to want to say things, to want to say, Hey, do you have the count the kicks app?

It’s really awesome. Um, and give that advice. So that’s, that’s really, really, really normal. Um, again, just having that low level of worry or even a lot of worry about them. Also, when you get a message from them or they call you or you see them, maybe less seeing them, but I know for me, even with my clients who are pregnant after loss, when they messaged me, I have that little twinge of what if it’s bad news?

What if it’s bad news? Uh, and that’s something I just have to manage for myself. I just have to recognize that in myself and manage it and take a breath and open the message. And you know, sometimes it is. And we deal with it and lots of times it’s not, most of the time it’s not, but, um, you know, it could be bad news, but that constant noticing or worrying when you get information, when you get a little ding on your phone, um, that’s really normal, so.

Give yourself some love to hold your breath for them. Really, really normal to wonder if you should buy them a gift or if you should wait or if they should push their shower back, or if they should pick a name or like all the things where they’re looking forward to a happy, healthy baby and delivery, all the stuff, and you’re a little bit reticent.

That’s really, really normal.

Okay, another thing I want to normalize is, like we kind of mentioned before, is to want to tell them what to do, to tell them maybe to stop complaining, like that they should not complain about their pregnancy. They should be grateful to take more pictures, to make memories, right? To cherish every minute because you never know how long these babies will get to be with them.

Again, that can kind of get stuck in your throat where you really want to tell them what to do, or maybe you do tell them what to do.

Let’s just take a minute. This is where we’re going to like do some exploring, get into some thought work, um, open up our minds and our hearts to this experience, this reality of our life after loss.

What if you were okay with this being the way you experience other people’s pregnancies now?

Like, what if, what comes to mind when I ask you that, really do some digging, maybe do some journaling, maybe reach out to me on Instagram or something, but we can talk about it. , and this can be, you know, people really close to you and also anyone you cross paths with, because I often notice that if I meet someone and then I’ll find out they’re pregnant, for some reason we’re connected, like we both volunteer, you know.

I do the PTA, like I help at the school, or at church, or a new neighbor, whatever it is. Um, when I find out that they’re pregnant, I notice myself. thinking because I don’t believe in coincidences. Like I really believe we all like all these magical paths of our lives and how they cross and all of that. I feel like people are brought into our lives for a reason.

And because I just like talk a lot about baby loss, help a lot of people with baby loss. Um, I’ll find myself thinking, well, maybe they’re here because they’re going to lose their baby and they’re going to need some support and I’m going to be able to help them. And not that I’m the only person that can help them or not that, you know, it’s just like, it legitimately happens.

I do just feel, um, even online, like people that I follow people that I think are cool when they’re pregnant and we have even a little bit of a relationship. It’s like, if their baby dies, then I’ll be here. And so that, I don’t know if that happens for you, but. It can, and especially if we spend a lot of time in the loss community, or you are doing things to help other people going through this, like, or even if you’re not, that thought can be there when someone you care about or someone you cross paths with is pregnant.

So I want you to think as you’re looking at this, when you want to say something, when you want to do something, when you’re just worrying about them and trying to prevent something from happening to them. Um, I want you to look at your motivation. Where is it coming from? Is it coming from fear? And a lot of the time it’s like, yes, you just really look at it.

It’s coming from fear. It’s coming from anxiety. Um, are you trying to make yourself feel better? Which is, for example, Thinking, what if I don’t say anything? What if I don’t tell them to count kicks? And then they have a stillbirth too. What if I don’t tell them about, you know, whatever they’re doing is wrong, or what a better way to do it, or whatever it is And then their baby dies.

Like how awful would I feel? And I want you to notice like with everything we do in our lives, we think it’s about other people. It’s really about how we feel. It’s really about our own experience. Like how bad would I feel if they went through a loss? How bad would I feel if they went through a loss when maybe something I said could have prevented it.

That’s a lot of pressure. That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself. And. I don’t really recommend it,

but if you are coming from genuine love, if you are grounded in your knowledge, if you want to be an advocate or you especially want the people around you to have the absolute best chance. at having a safe, healthy baby, which we know we cannot control everything, but there are a few things. There are some things we can do.

And if you’re not aware, um, check out, there’s so many good, I’ll have to put them in the show notes, but there’s so many good organizations, but like push pregnancy, we did an episode with Anna Vick or Anna, um, on here talking about stillbirth prevention, you know, there’s safe sleep things. There’s whatever, like car seat.

I mean, it goes on once the baby’s born too. Really depending your experience of what you see or what you know. But it’s like if you really love and care someone and you know that This could be helpful. Um, it’s still awkward. And that’s the thing, because we don’t want to scare people, especially people who are pregnant.

Like we want to just let them have their joy. We don’t want to take that away. , you don’t want to be that dark cloud of gloom. That’s just thinking like all the babies are going to die. Other people in your life might be saying, stop, don’t talk to them. Don’t say something. Don’t do it. Right. We have all these other voices coming at us.

I want you to just, in this moment, No matter whether you’re coming from fear or anxiety, whether you’re coming from love and groundedness and knowledge, I want you to lean into some acceptance around it’s still just kind of awkward and it’s still like, can be this mental wrestle that you have to go through.

It’s kind of like the urge to correct people’s grammar or correct their driving or whatever it is. We just want to make sure all the people don’t have to go through what we went through. We want to say what we wish someone had said to us. But it’s still so taboo. Like it’s so frowned upon and it can feel like a really hard hurdle to go over.

Um, and that’s okay. Right. Again, just accept. I would love if, you know, someday we all get to a better place in talking about this and talking about prevention and different things. It also just gets really heated because there’s people who feel strongly about, you know, vaccines or medical intervention or all any foods, any number of things.

that are maybe going to affect a pregnancy. But here’s what I want you to do. Come back into yourself and who you are. So check in with yourself. Decide if your relationship with the person is conducive to a conversation, right? It’s not always our place. It’s not our job to save all the babies. It’s not our job to educate the entire world.

Unless you feel called to do that, then, you know, you find your ways to do that. But what’s really important is letting them give consent. Because I think that’s somewhere where the awkwardness comes from is we sit and stew and think how do I tell them? How do I say this in a way that won’t scare them?

How do I say this in a way that you know is empowering instead of bringing up more fears for them? I think the best way to start is to get their consent. You can just say hey I love you, and I’m so excited that you’re pregnant, and I just want to share some Some things that maybe I wish I would have known that I’ve learned in the last little while I’ve learned through my own experience, right?

And be gentle and take care of your own heart in the process. Cause again, we want to do this a lot of times, like out of love and concern. Um, but it can be a tricky balance. So really take care of your own heart as you’re maybe going into a conversation. As you’re asking for consent, you got to let them say no.

If they’re like, no, I just can’t. I recently had that where it was like, you know, I was Discussing kind of some resources. And the person was just like, you know, I just, I can’t think about that. It’s too scary. And I just don’t want to, and it’s like, okay, that’s fine. Like, it’s not my job to shove it down their throat.

And also take care of your heart while they’re pregnant, because this is important. It’s always so important. If we are scared and struggling and like silencing ourselves in the relationship, how are we going to show up? What kind of friend are we going to be? What kind of family member are we going to be?

We’re just not going to be the person we want to be if we’re not taking care of ourselves and really looking at this experience. Because it’s okay that you’re worried about the people in your life if they’re pregnant. It’s okay. you deserve to still take care of yourself. For me, just knowing that this, like a lot of the things I’ve shared today, I’ve felt personally, knowing that this is my reality now, it just, that helps me leaning into just full radical acceptance.

I just worry about people that are pregnant. I worry about babies dying. I have seen a lot. I have heard a lot. I’ve experienced a lot and it colors the way I see pregnancy. And babies and all of it, and that’s okay. I don’t have to beat myself up for that. I can just love myself and I can allow that to be a part of my life, right?

Just like if you’re a dentist and you see people doing things or eating things that you know, we’re going to give them cavities. It’s like, yeah, you just have to accept that humans are humans and, and you’re going to want to educate everyone. But you know, it’s not always our place for you. You might want to get back to believing that two pink lines equal a baby.

And I have seen people do that. I’ve seen people go through losses and just like. They just still have that beautiful openness to pregnancy for themselves and for others and excitement and all of that. Um, great. I haven’t been able to get there and that, that doesn’t really work for me. I know myself, but yeah, as my own children grow up and have kids, they’re, they’re my friends.

Cause I, I’m not that old, but I live in a state where there’s like a lot of, we get married young. We have kids pretty young. Um, A lot of people are having babies and I just always am hoping that everything will go well for those people. And also hoping that if it doesn’t, that they would know that I’m someone they can talk to.

It’s that circle of life. It’s just, as you grow, there’s just going to be more and more babies around. So I know I have to work a little harder than other people to freely love and be excited and plan things.

I want you to trust that if something goes differently in their pregnancy, then they might hope that you’re going to know what to do to support them. Trust yourself, really lean into trusting yourself. If that day comes, you’ll know what to do. You’ll know exactly what they need. So you don’t have to spend the whole pregnancy holding your breath.

It’s the same as pregnancy after loss. I will say like with my own daughter, I’ve bought a few things and that is a leap of faith to like let myself buy some things to start thinking about planning a baby shower to really be excited. Um, and it’s fun. Like it’s, it’s okay that there’s a contrast that there’s both things.

Secondhand pregnancy after loss is real. And I want you to take care of yourself. Listen to your heart. Don’t listen to all the things your anxiety is telling you. Practice calming and loving yourself, whatever that looks like, right? If you find yourself really worked up, it’s like, can you just go for a walk?

Can you do some yoga? Can you have a dance party and just give yourself some self care? Find ways to share your knowledge in a comfortable way if your people are open to it. And then, like everything else, we gotta just like let go and let God. Trust God and the universe. It’s all gonna work out how it’s supposed to.

The babies that are supposed to live and be born and grow old on this earth. They’re going to do it, okay? The babies that have a shorter story than what we think they should have, they’re going to come and go when they’re supposed to. So, if you care deeply about someone who is pregnant and you’re finding that the second hand pregnancy after loss, which can be now like every single pregnancy you see because we know there’s no guarantees whether it’s your first baby or your tenth baby or whatever, whether you’ve had losses, whether you haven’t had losses, all of these people that are pregnant It will affect you, but you get to choose in what way and you get to choose to empower yourself and to care for yourself and to care for the people that you love,

it’s not gonna be perfect. It’s gonna be messy and human. And that’s what we’re here for. We’re here for the contrast. We’re not here for the beige life. We want some contrast. We want some joy and, and I would, as I wrap up, I would encourage you, let some of the joy in. Be excited. I think life is a miracle.

Birth is a miracle. Little babies are a miracle. Pregnancy is a miracle. Like, it’s all so cool. So, give yourself permission to have that joy. Whether you’re pregnant after loss, or your friends or family are, you know, it’s really, really similar. So, also, always check in with your nervous system, right? Some of this, you know, intellectually we know, We can’t control other people’s pregnancies, but our body is just so nervous.

It’s so scared It thinks that if something happens to their baby that we’re gonna die We’re gonna be hurt and we’re gonna have pain and it’s probably right in some ways.

Don’t let that fear take over everything All right. That’s what i’m gonna leave you with today , I want you to have a great Holiday season coming up if you have any questions or you need any support I am here for you. Go to smoothstonescoaching. com. You can sign up for any of my programs or like an emergency , session.

I’ll be there for you. I’ll see you next time.