Have you ever looked around and all you can see is bellies, announcements and people complaining about morning sickness?
You’d give anything to be in their shoes.
It feels like all your friends are growing their families and you are stuck with nothing but a broken heart.
In this episode I’m sharing why this happens and how to find peace when the whole world seems pregnant.
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Okay, this is take two. I don’t know about you if you have living kids. My kids just got outta school and finding quiet time to do things is, uh, we’re figuring it out. We’ll say that, but I am really excited for today’s topic. We are talking about. What to do when everyone around you is pregnant and like the whole world seems pregnant.
This is something I see come up so much and I realize I don’t have an episode about this. I need one, but I’m actually going to break this into two parts. So there’s gonna be this week and next week we’re gonna talk about what to do when everyone is pregnant. It is. Number one is so common, and when I say it’s common, it doesn’t mean like there’s no negative thing about that.
It’s just, it’s something that happens when we go through a loss, when we’re focused on pregnancy and. So this episode, I’m gonna tell you why that happens, which I think it’s so important to understand why instead of feeling like it’s just us or there’s something wrong with us, understand why we get feeling like everyone is pregnant.
And then we are gonna talk about how to have a whole lot of compassion for ourselves because this is real. It’s real, and I don’t want you to say like, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I shouldn’t be thinking this way. I need to stop. What you need to do first is just have so much love and compassion for yourself and patience, and understand something that I say all the time, which is, it’s not always going to be like this.
I think that’s where a lot of people get hung up. You just, it feels so overwhelming. Like, everyone around me is pregnant. Everyone’s announcing babies. There’s baby showers, there’s, there’s bellies, there’s celebrities, there’s just babies everywhere. It’s not always going to feel like that for you, I promise.
So why do we fixate so much on these bellies after loss? Well, our brain is designed to do this. It is supposed to fixate on things that seem relevant to our lives. It can’t focus on everything in the world, otherwise we would be completely overwhelmed. So it filters out a lot of things. I want you to think about all the names in every country all around the world.
There are so, so many names, but when you hear your own name, you turn your head. Or when you see your baby’s name on a street sign or in the credits of a movie, you notice it. I went on a trip last April to South Carolina and we went down all these cool old streets and they all have street names and, and everything.
And there was a Lauren Street or Lauren Avenue or something and I was like, oh my goodness, I need to go take a picture of that. And I don’t really remember any of the other names of any of the streets, but I remember that there was a street named Lauren, and that’s what we’re supposed to do. That’s what our brain is supposed to do.
And right now, Your brain is in baby mode. Even though your baby is no longer with you, you are still in baby mode. Or if you’re pregnant after the loss, like wherever you are in your journey, if you have a rainbow baby, you’re in baby mode. If your baby was alive, you would also be noticing everyone else around you who is pregnant.
You would notice babies the same age as you or bellies around the same size. Or you’d overhear, like if anybody was talking about pregnancy, you would totally latch onto it. And the difference is if your baby was alive or you were still pregnant, you would be excited and feel connected to those people.
So why does it feel so isolating now? And why are these pregnant people just everywhere? And why does it hurt so badly and feel like everyone is getting there happily ever after, and you are not? These are the questions that people ask. Here’s the deal. We’ve got our brain. Our brain is fixated on babies as it should be.
Then we’ve got grief. Grief is another part of why your brain is so focused on other bellies and babies, and grief is constantly reminding you of what you don’t have. Grief is also extra sensitive. So it takes this normal brain function that we have that notices every car that looks like yours in the parking lot and ignores the others, and it makes it bigger and more painful.
Grief is self-centered and sees our lives through the lens of what we have lost. So other pregnancies are reminders of what we have lost. So can you understand how these two things are really coming together? And then you might add like societal factors or religion or just your community where you live, for example.
We used to live in this town, uh, that was all starter homes. All the houses were kind of the same price and kind of similar. And there were a lot of young families and there were so many babies, or some people come from a family and just all the siblings are in this zone of like growing their families, and so everyone’s having babies, whatever it is.
Whether it’s your religion, if that encourages babies and we talk about babies and we just passed Mother’s Day and or you know, it could even be like all your, your friends from college, your roommates, your, your friend group. Like they’re just in the stage of having babies. It can feel like it’s just all around you.
So those are the circumstances. There are people who probably are getting a lot of. Invitations to baby showers and all of those things. Those are the circumstances. Those are real and they are reminders. So we have this part of our brain that is developed to notice things that are relevant. We have grief that is extra sensitive to noticing the things you don’t have.
And then we just have the, the people around us, the life and the circumstances around us. That are giving us all these reminders and what I want you to know, all of those things are true and you never want to judge yourself, and you never wanna tell yourself that you’re making all of this up and you shouldn’t be upset.
What you are experiencing is real and valid. Give yourself so much compassion. Sometimes when we talk about thought work, when we’re, we’re doing this work and we’re trying to find peace, we’re trying to find some happiness. We’re trying to like solve this problem of, oh my goodness, everyone around me is pregnant.
We would wanna use this information to be like, oh, I could talk myself out of this, or, I don’t need to feel this way. I don’t need to be that upset. I don’t need to cry when I see another Facebook post announcing a pregnancy. No, I want you to cry. I want you to feel sorry for yourself. I want you to give yourself permission to even wallow in it a little bit, not too much, and if you’re really, really struggling, get some help.
But listen, there’s nothing wrong with being sad that it seems like everyone around you is pregnant. There’s nothing wrong with being just like obsessed with pregnancy right now. You’re supposed to be obsessed with pregnancy. You’re supposed to be really upset that everyone is pregnant. You’re supposed to feel all these things.
Now, I have a ton of tools that can help you with this, but I’m not gonna share them today. This is what I wanna share with you today. I want you to know that it is okay. That everyone around you seems pregnant. It’s part of the process. A really important thought that I wanna share with you that you can use in so many situations, but it is, this is the part where, and we just tell ourselves, this is the part where everyone is pregnant.
This is the part where I’m really upset that everyone is pregnant. This is the part where all I can see are bellies all around me, and we just lean into it and we love ourselves and we don’t tell ourselves that we’re doing anything wrong and we don’t judge ourselves and we use our, our treading water skills on the days where it just seems extra heavy.
If you haven’t listened to that episode, go back and listen to treading Water. But really what we do is sometimes we just like. Throw the remote at the TV when our favorite character on our favorite show ends up pregnant. And now we’re like, oh, I can’t watch this anymore. Like, so what? Love yourself. Love yourself in it.
Deep in it. It’s so, so important. I want you to know that you are amazing, that everything you’re doing is what you’re supposed to be doing. Don’t resist it. Don’t fight it. I do wanna add something though that’s really important to me is I see people turning to anger and lashing out, or wanting to lash out or being angry.
Now anger is also not a problem. You are absolutely allowed to be angry, but I’m gonna say this cuz honestly, I really hate it. I don’t hate a lot of things, but there’s this thing where people will say, I just wanna throw punch anyone who’s pregnant. I just wanna throw punch my sister-in-law every time she complains about her morning sickness or whatever it is, and I just, I am not down with that.
I. If you’ve said that, if you’ve thought that, I still like give yourself so much compassion. No judgment. I love you. I just don’t think that’s useful. I don’t think that’s helpful. I don’t think hating people who are pregnant is going to help you in any way. And a lot of times we choose anger. We choose lashing out because it’s easier to feel than sadness, and so it’s easier.
To focus our, like, even our rage towards these pregnant people, uh, and these bellies, rather than addressing what’s really going on inside of ourselves, we are really good at avoiding uncomfortable emotions. And it’s funny because we actually prefer to be mad than to be sad, than to be grieving, than to be jealous than just.
To be devastated, honestly. Right. Maybe you were pregnant at the same time as, as someone you’re close to and they’re, they’re just going on, or they have their baby and their baby’s growing and you don’t. And you’re devastated. So it’s easier to just be really annoyed with them or really like start hating them or being prickly towards them than it is to just sit with your feelings.
It’s easier to be angry than it is to take responsibility for what you’re feeling. It’s easier. But we’re not here to do easy. We’re here to do what we need to do to live the life that we wanna live and have the experience that we want. It seems natural, but it is a choice, and I don’t think anger that’s directed towards other people is helping anyone.
It doesn’t help you feel closer. It doesn’t help you find understanding. It doesn’t help you heal. It doesn’t help you find peace. Sometimes we gotta go through that. Like I said, I’m never gonna take anger away from you. I’m never gonna judge you for being angry. But please, if you’ve noticed that you go to anger or frustration, or you complain, or you wanna threaten people, take a look inside yourself, right?
That’s not our favorite version of ourselves. And think about who you want to be. You have a choice. If there are bellies all around you, what do you want to think about them? What do you want to feel? What is really important to you? Because what we do here, when we talk about self-coaching, we talk about thought work, is we’re not gonna just react.
We’re not gonna just use that lower brain that just goes to kind of like our more, um, unrefined responses, right? We wanna take it one step higher or maybe 10 steps higher and push ourselves. And we want to say, you know what? I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being jealous. I’m tired of having to avoid every belly I see in the grocery store cuz it is exhausting.
So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna give myself so much love, and I’m gonna love myself right where I am, and I’m gonna just have compassion. I’m not gonna judge myself. I’m just going to own what I’m thinking. I’m gonna own what I’m feeling, and I’m gonna start working on believing that. I could change if I wanted to and when I’m ready to, that is what’s most important.
A lot of times we skip this step where we just sit where we are and love ourselves, and that’s why this episode, I’m not really gonna give you any tips except really notice what’s happening for you, what you’re thinking. Recognize this is your brain doing its job. This is grief. There’s nothing wrong with what’s happening, but also if you feel like you’re covering up your true emotions with anger, jealousy, resentment, all of those things, you might wanna dig a little deeper.
And then I also want you to open up to the possibility that you could find peace around all the bellies. I don’t want you to feel trapped. By other people being pregnant nearby you. That’s not a way to live. So next time you notice a pregnant belly, or next time you talk to someone who’s pregnant, or next time you see a picture of a celebrity with their new baby, listen.
Notice what feelings come up for you and love yourself in them, right? In this moment, in the present, give yourself just a million hugs. And an extra one from me. And then if you’re ready to find more peace around this and to work through some of the stuff you’re dealing with so you can feel better and more in control of your life, you gotta listen to part two next week or reach out to me.
There is a link in the show notes. I am always available on Instagram at amy mu zone’s coaching. You can literally DM me. I will respond. Uh, I love to hear from people, especially podcast listeners because I don’t get to talk to you, but I also wanna tell you really quickly, it’s summer, it’s busy. I’ve got peace in my pocket.
It is an amazing program. I would love to invite you to come and have peace in your pocket. It is my program where you get. Voxer Coaching Voxer is an app. It is just like a message, voice, and text messaging app. It’s free and you just get six weeks of asking me anything, talking through things. Um, having support right in your pocket.
It is amazing. It’s only $97. I have loved all my clients who have done it because it is just the best thing. You can reach out anytime you want. You can reach out on your schedule, and I’m gonna get back to you on my schedule and it’s so, so good. So again, go on the show notes, click on that link, and I will see you next time.
Are you tired of feeling like your baby’s dad was somehow your fault? Go tostones coaching.com and get my free mini course. How to Stop blaming Yourself After Loss.