You are currently viewing Episode 109 – Resentment

Episode 109 – Resentment

Resentment red flags show up when we are not taking care of our own needs. It can feel so draining and like you are trapped. Listen in to find out where resentment comes from and how to fix it so you can improve your relationships. It’s easier than you think!

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miscarriage, stillbirth, babyloss


Oh, we have such a good topic today. We are talking about resentment, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t know anybody who gets through this life without a little bit of resentment. Before we dive into the topic, I have to tell you because I’m so excited. We just opened the cart for our live event in Clearfield, Utah on September 10th.

It is an angel mom’s brunch, and if you are. Anywhere near Utah, you have to come. I am doing this with Alexia from mainstream miscarriage. If you’re not following her on Instagram, you need to. She is so amazing. And we just launched the tickets. And here’s the deal. If you buy the tickets before August 13th, You are going to get a discount code.

The discount code is yummy, and just type that in. You’re gonna get $12 off. That makes the tickets $37, and I promise you, it is totally worth it. We are gonna have such good food. We’re gonna have swag bags, we are gonna have prizes. We are gonna do service. We are gonna learn about relationships and friendships and strengthening those because after loss it can feel like.

We lose a lot of friendships or it’s just really different and really hard to navigate. So I’m gonna teach a little bit about relationships and friendships, and I promise you’re gonna make the best connections ever. Being in this room will be magical, so I promise you it is totally worth it. I feel like you could spend $37 taking you and a couple of your family to a movie, like a really bad movie maybe, but I promise it’s going to be good.

So go to smooth stones and you’ll get all the details and you’ll be able to get your tickets, but you need to hurry. We only have 25 spots. We have the most beautiful venue, um, but it is a smaller room and we just wanted to keep this really intimate so we can all get to know each other.

So if you’ve been thinking about it, if you’ve been hearing about it, if you’re on my email list, This is the time to just go ahead and do it, do something for you. I cannot wait to see you and hug you in person. And for those of you listening who are like, I can’t get to you, dad, I’m so sad. It’s okay. I promise.

I really wanna do more live events in the future. I’ve got. Another retreat up my sleeve. So just keep following along and we will make some things happen, for sure. Okay, let’s dive into today’s topic. Now, I’ve noticed that this is coming up with a lot of my clients lately, and it’s really common. You are gonna wanna listen to the end of this episode because I’m gonna tell you why we feel resentment and then how to fix it, and it’s probably not what you think.

It’s a really simple solution that totally changes relationships. I have seen it happen so many times, so I know that this is gonna work for you too. So I wanna talk about red flags where you might find resentment coming up. So some of these red flags are you’re blaming your emotions on someone else, right?

Some it’s someone’s fault that you’re feeling this way. Another red flag is you might be wishing things were different, but you never say anything. You just keep hoping the other person will get it like you hope they’ll understand. We do that a lot in grief. We really resent people for how they’re behaving, but we don’t really tell them what we want.

Um, so if you find yourself doing that, just wishing they would act differently, but they’re not. And then you’re the one that’s miserable. That’s a red flag that you’re creating resentment in your life. And then another one is feeling trapped. Like you have no choice. This is really, really common. That trapped feeling like you’re in a situation in your life and you just don’t know how to get out of it.

And so again, you’re blaming your emotions on someone else. You’re blaming your situation on someone else. You’re feeling like you can’t get out of it. And it’s a really stuck and uncomfortable place to be. But these are the biggest red flags when we notice resentment. Like I said, you’re blaming emotions on someone else.

You’re wishing things were different, but you’re never saying anything and then you’re feeling really trapped and that you do not have a choice. But resentment, red flags actually are great information because. These flags tell us where we are not taking care of our own needs, right? A lot of times we feel like no, the red flags are that other people are not behaving the way they’re supposed to.

They’re not taking care of me, they’re not taking care of my needs. But really it’s where we are not taking care of our own needs. So I wanna give you an example cuz examples always help us see this more clearly. But think of an example in your own life. Where you feel resentment, but I have a pretty common one.

Let’s say there’s someone whose partner likes to golf on Saturday mornings. They work all week and you work or you’re home with the kids. All week, and you would really like to sleep in on the weekends, but you can’t because your partner likes to golf. So the partner goes to the golf course, is there for hours, you know, you don’t know when they’re coming home.

You’re calling, you’re texting, and all the while building up this anger, this resentment, this frustration. You can’t do what you want because they are golfing, right? You can’t sleep in, you don’t get a break. All all of these thoughts, so you come up with the thoughts. I bet you can think of a few. So think of that situation where you feel resentment, or maybe this is you, maybe you’re like, oh, Amy, you’re, you’re talking straight to me.

I am so over the golfing, right? Whatever it is for you. Notice where the resentment is coming up. Now what do we do with it? It’s like, okay, I’m frustrated. I, I’ve noticed where this resentment is. Now what do I do? Well, I wanna give you a few tips and that’s what’s coming up, okay? I want you to know that you are in charge of your emotions.

We talk about this a lot on this podcast. If you’re new here, This is amazing. You are in charge of your emotions. It is not your partner’s job to take care of your emotions. It is yours. And this is actually the best news because this means no matter what they do, no matter how much time they spend on the golf course, you don’t have to feel resentment, frustration, and anger towards them, right?

You get to be in charge of your emotions. It is up to you to create what you want. If you want something different, you have to communicate that. But first I want you to be really clean on why you want it, right? When you don’t need it, you are gonna have a much smoother conversation. So when I say be clean, it means you need to do your thought work first.

You need to look at your motivations first. You need to take care of your own emotions first, right? You need to own what’s happening first. And then when you notice what do I really want? And you know that you have control of it, you know that you can create it for yourself, but you’d really like someone else to help you with it, you’re gonna have a much smoother conversation.

Another tip I want you to know is you always have a choice. You are making a choice right now in choosing to continue to not say anything. Right. Again, it’s like a lot of times when I talk to my clients, this is what they say. They say they feel trapped. And that is not a, a comfortable place to be. Right?

And we only feel trapped when we don’t know that we can just open the door. We can let ourselves out of this trap. We have the absolute control, but sometimes we make the choice to continue in the dynamic that we’re in because we’re used to it or because no one told us. That we can get out of it all by ourselves.

We’re waiting for the other person to come and open that door for you. But you don’t have to, you always have a choice in anything you’re doing, um, whether it’s your job, your family, your partner, your in-laws, like any relationship that you feel kind of trapped into a situation, you can walk away. I mean, you are an adult.

You can leave, but a lot of times we don’t want to. And the question is, well, what is the upside for you? Why do you stay? Why do you stay in this dynamic? Why do you continue? And usually it’s because in some way, we are benefiting from the dynamic. Even if you hate the resentment, even if you feel trapped and tired and frustrated.

You are still benefiting from it because otherwise you would change it. What is the upside for you? This is when we wanna get awareness. We want to take a step back. We want to love ourselves. We don’t wanna judge ourselves. We just wanna look at the situation. Almost like you’re a scientist studying your own life, observing your life, or like you’re watching yourself in a movie, right?

When you watch a movie, you can see all the sides and all the reasons people are doing things. Observe yourself like you’re watching a movie of your life. And, and say why A lot of times why we don’t bring up conversations is because we’re people pleasing. We don’t wanna upset anybody. We want people to think we’re nice.

We don’t wanna start a fight. We want, we think we want peace. We think we’re creating peace by not saying anything or not, um, voicing our opinions. But you don’t have peace inside. But that’s the benefit, right? The benefit is you don’t make waves. And there’s so many other benefits that we have, but you have to ask yourself that question, which we normally don’t.

So what is the upside for you of staying where you are? And then if you choose not to change it, if you choose to stay in the same situation, you gotta own it. Own that decision and realize it is a decision. Right. I could give you maybe a little example of. I take my kids to church. We go to church every Sunday and every Sunday there’s gotta be at least one kid who doesn’t wanna go.

There’s a kid who doesn’t have a church shoes. There’s a, you know, somebody who slept in. Um, there’s just so many things and it would be easy to get caught up in a lot of resentment. Over that. Like they are making my Sunday miserable. And I may or may not have said that a few times in my life, right? Like, you guys are ruining my Sunday.

But you know what? I’m not gonna change going to church on Sunday. I’m not gonna change taking my kids to church on Sunday. And I just need to own it. I need to know that taking a whole bunch of kids to church is a lot harder than going on my own, but I like my reasons. I don’t wanna change the situation.

Now, I could do a lot of things to maybe make it smoother. I could try different things, but either way, I choose to put myself in that situation. And so I just need to own it. And I need to know that I am the one that ruins my own Sunday. Right. If I put this into the self-coaching model, it would be very obvious, and I’ve done it many times.

It’s easy to blame the kids, but it’s me, right? I’m the one letting the lost shoes be a problem. I’m the one who wants to get there own time. I’m the one, I’m the one who cares if they brush their hair, they obviously don’t care. So I need to own my decisions. I need to own my emotions, and I need to know I have a choice.

I could leave, I could leave all those kids at home, but I choose not to. Now, if you choose to change it, change your situation. If you wanna do something different, you gotta own that too. Whatever we do, we gotta own our own emotions. We gotta make empowered decisions. And we have to recognize that the resentment is not coming from the other people.

It’s not coming from your circumstances, it’s not coming from anything. It’s coming from you. If you wanna change it, change it because you want to, not because you have to, or you, you won’t be able to handle it. So let’s talk about this golf example. Now, some questions you might wanna ask yourself, and again, put yourself, put in your own example, but let’s talk about the golfing on Saturday.

What do you actually want to feel? What do you wanna feel on the weekends? What are you looking for? Like, what do you desire? What we want is always a feeling we think we wanna sleep in. And you can say, why do I wanna sleep in? Well, maybe you need more rest, but maybe it’s really because you just wanna feel taken care of, right?

Like you wanna feel like you’re a priority even for an extra hour on Saturday morning, right? That’s what you’re really looking for, is just for someone to take care of you, is some validation, and that you feel special. So just notice that. Ask yourself those questions. How do you wanna feel? Why do you wanna do what you wanna do?

And then ask yourself, how can you meet those needs yourself? Now, a lot of times people have a lot of resistance to this. They don’t wanna meet those needs themselves. They want their partner to do it. They want their family to do it. They want whoever in their life to fix it so they can feel special, so they can feel rested, so they can feel taken care of.

But you need to figure out how you can meet those needs yourself because feeling resentment towards your partner because they’re doing something they want to do. Is miserable for you, right? They’re out there golfing like they’re having a good time, right? And they might even know that you’re at home being kind of frustrated with them, but they choose to do what they choose to do because they like it and they like how they feel when they prioritize themselves.

So how could you do the same thing? How could you meet those needs yourself? How can you validate yourself? How can you tell yourself that you’re special? How can you create rest and peace in your life for you? Brainstorm it. Don’t knock anything off the table. Come up with a list. And then another question you can ask is, how can you come to a compromise where you both get what you want?

A lot of times we’re like, no, he needs to quit golfing. That’s so selfish. Like he should be home on Saturday with me and the kids, but that’s not true. What if there’s a way that you can both be happy, right? Where you can both take care of your own needs, where you can both do things you enjoy, where you can both get what you want, but it’s gonna be a compromise.

Right. It might not be perfect. You might need to split it, you know, every other week. You might need to have him see if he can go golfing later when it’s hot and he doesn’t like going golfing when it’s hot, or his friends can’t go at that time. What can you do? Have that conversation, but have it from a place of empowerment.

Have it from a place of knowing what you want, what you need, and knowing that it’s in your power to get it, and also loving your partner. Right. When there’s love for you, love for your partner, you’re gonna get what you want. And if you’re in a season where you really do need extra support, it’s okay to ask for that and communicate that.

It’s not gonna be forever, but it is right now. So the last tips are just own your emotions. Don’t give your power away. You can get rid of resentment just by changing yourself and the way you’re thinking. Think of all the emotional energy you will have, just letting things be what they are instead of being mad about it all the time.

It is life changing. Like really start noticing the places you have resentment and how it has built up over time and how what we’re really good at is creating this list of just like all the reasons we resent them and all the times they went golfing, and all the times all these things happen. And then we like to pull it out every time it happens again and just.

Like beat our partner over the head with it. But you know what? That’s not good. Like it’s just not healthy. It doesn’t help you. It doesn’t get you what you want. Just own your emotions, own your choices. What’s past is past when we’re coaching. The past has some good information, but it really doesn’t matter.

You did all those things fine. Now what do you wanna do? What do you wanna do moving forward? How do you wanna feel moving forward? What do you need to think moving forward to make that happen and to get the result you want? If you are noticing red flags of resentment popping up in a lot of your relationships, coaching is the answer.

We will dive deep in. And help you find yourself again so you can show up how you want to in the world. Everything gets better when you have your own back. You can go to smooth Stones to sign up for a connection call. Come and talk to me. I’ll tell you all about my program and we can get started because it’s time to let go of that resentment.

It just, it feels so good. It feels so much lighter, and you have got enough going on. You don’t need a v. Wade down with resentment too. All right. I love you guys. Have a great day, and I’ll see you next time. Are you tired of feeling like your baby’s death was somehow your fault? Go to com and get my free mini course.

How to Stop blaming Yourself After Loss.

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