You might be wondering, what does picking paint colors have to do with life after loss? Well, stick with me because I am going to show you and I’m gonna tell you why this episode is really gonna move you forward somewhere that you are stuck right now. So as we begin, I want you to open up your mind and let it wander.

As you listen, ask your brain to find the place where you need this most and be ready for a light bulb to go off or for an aha moment to happen. It might be right during the episode, or it might be sometime in the future. Maybe when you’re in the shower. That’s where the best inspiration comes. But when you give your brain a task, it will follow through.

Right now, I am in the process of deciding what to do in our basement. We bought this house six years ago, and when we got it, it needed some T L C. As time and budget has allowed, we have fixed up most of the bedrooms, two of the bathrooms. There’s been a lot of paint and new carpet and other fun fixes like new water heaters and roof repairs that are not as pretty, but very functional.

We even put up some amazing shiplap, which was such a fun and also frustrating project. Now the basement is a largely rectangular room. The carpet is old and worn out, but my favorite part is the chocolate brown trim. The doors and all the trim were this lovely shade. We had the doors sprayed a few years ago thinking I was gonna do this project.

So now they are white, but the trim is still brown. It is not pretty. And the time has come to say goodbye, and I’m so excited. If you don’t know this about me, I love to build and paint and do anything DIY in my home. I actually wanted to be an interior designer. That didn’t end up happening as I went to college, but I love to design my own home.

I was in shop class, like wood shop from junior high all the way through high school, and I love me some H G T V. Before and afters make me really happy when I do a project. So much of the time is spent thinking, researching, and deciding what I want the end result to be, and I find this process to be so much fun.

But that is not the case for everyone. I have a good friend who feels like this part is torture. She second guesses everything and spends so much time not being able to decide where I go. Look at paint chips with joy and excitement and confidence. She goes in with dread and uncertainty and she probably brings someone else along to tell her what to choose.

So what is the difference? Am I just naturally better than her at picking paint colors? Was I born with something that she wasn’t? Nope. The only difference between how she feels and how I feel is how we think about ourselves. So I think I’m really good at picking paint colors. This is fun. It’s just paint.

If we hate it, I can change it. This is gonna be so beautiful when it’s done. And she thinks I never know what to do. I’m terrible at making decisions. I’m probably gonna hate this when it’s done. If I mess up, it’s gonna be a huge problem. And this is so hard. When it comes to making decisions, the way we think about ourselves matters.

There’s nothing like projects around the house to bring up these insecurities and frustrations, but I’ve got the secret to how to be more confident in everything you do so you can get things done. Can you see how my friend talks to herself? Where in your life are you in this boat? It could be something in your relationships, your job, your parenting, your grief.

It could be deciding to have another baby or not. And if you are in that boat, don’t forget, I have an ebook. It’s $9. You can go to smooth stones coaching.com/ebook, and it is a workbook. It will work you through this entire question so you can make this decision. But this will show up anywhere. I’m gonna point out a few ways that we criticize ourselves and what the results are, and then I’m going to tell you how to get your confidence on first.

Notice how my friend makes the paint mean something about her. She makes the amount of time it takes her to decides mean something to. Each of us is innately whole and valuable. When a baby starts growing, it doesn’t need to do anything to be loved. It just needs to exist. As lost moms, we know how true this is, but as we grow up the world places expectations on us, and we start to believe that our worth is tied to our behavior, our looks, our age, our abilities.

When we criticize ourselves, we often use messages we’ve internalized through our lives. It’s good to be aware of that. But in coaching, we don’t spend a lot of time going backwards to figure this all out. We start today and we move forward. So maybe you have a reason you criticize yourself, but you’re an adult now.

What do you want to do today? You always have a choice. Second, I want you to notice how my friend defers to others to make the decisions for her. This comes from insecurity. It’s easier to just let someone make choices for you because then you don’t have to expose yourself to potential criticism. It’s a subtle way we give away our power and it actually doesn’t feel good.

You may see this in your relationship where you really want your partner to be on the same page as you, or you wanna hash out everything until you agree. Now, I am all for communication, but notice this. Everything we do is because of how we think it will make us feel. My friend thinks that picking paint with her husband will make her feel confident, but what I see is it leads to a lot of unnecessary drama, especially if her partner doesn’t care that much.

And you can see that come up a lot in wedding planning, right. It also comes up when you defer to strangers on the internet or your friends and family to make decisions for you. All of that comes from being afraid you can’t do the right thing. It comes from believing that I don’t know is true, but I don’t know, is never helpful and it’s not true.

You do know. You just might be afraid to go with what you want. Right. We often want everyone’s approval, and that is people pleasing. Now, you might not connect asking someone for help or advice when you decide paint colors as being people pleasing, but it is. Where are you doing this in your own life?

Where are you not even connected with what you want? It’s like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride with the eggs. And if you have not watched that movie, you have to go watch it. The third thing that happens is thinking that decisions are permanent. We make something today mean something about the future.

Notice how when I let go of my paint color being permanent, I can be much more decisive and confident. When we were first married, my husband asked me to cut his hair because we had no money, and he was in the military and he needed his hair in that short military cut. And I was nervous. I’d never even used clippers before.

And 20 years ago, you couldn’t just go to YouTube for a tutorial, but he always said, if you mess up, just shave it all off. And that was such a relief to know that it was okay to fail. It was okay to not do a perfect job. It wasn’t a big deal. So no matter what you are deciding, I promise you it’s not a big deal.

I know it feels like it, but what you decide does not create how you feel. It’s what you think about yourself that does your circumstances, which are the facts of your life, do not dictate your happiness or your confidence. You do. So how do you change these insecure thoughts into Confident Ones? I’ve got a few tips for you.

Number one, love you just the way you are. It’s totally cool that you don’t wanna pick paint colors. In fact, you don’t even need to change that about you. If it’s not your thing. It’s not your thing. Love you anyway. Number two, be aware of how you talk to yourself. A lot of the things we think we view as facts, they are not facts.

This step of noticing and questioning your thoughts is so important. There is no judgment. Don’t despair. Once you start seeing how badly you speak to yourself, go back to number one and love you thought downloads are very helpful for this. Step number three, be open to failure. The worst thing about failure is how you feel.

You already feel insecure and stuck. Why not feel uncomfortable in a way that moves you forward? Failure is not a problem. Number four, instead of pointing out all your flaws, try envisioning the person you want to be. Take all the parts of you. Stop trying to fix yourself and learn to work with who you are to become who you want to be.

And number five, be you. Your only job is to be the US you that you can be and you are already incredible. And lastly, other people’s thoughts just tell you something about them. They don’t mean anything about you. It’s all just information. You still get to choose how you react and what you make it mean.

Oh, and I’m just kidding. I have one more bonus tip. Your grief experience is a superpower, not a liability. How can the perspective you’ve gained help? You let go of the small stuff that used to seem so important, but now you wonder why it mattered so much. Maybe you questions yourself before your loss and now you see that that against yourself.

Use it to be much more confident moving forward. You now know some of the deepest pain and it hasn’t killed you. The paint of picking the wrong paint color is easy peasy compared to that. What else has grief taught you that will help you be kinder to yourself, especially as you make decisions? Okay, now, once you’ve recognized where you’re holding yourself back and you’ve started loving yourself and being open to failure, you are ready to start picking metaphorical paint colors in your life.

I want you to ask yourself these questions. How can it be fun? How can it be drama free for you inside? People around you are gonna do what they are gonna do, but you are gonna be cool as a cucumber. How can you be a hundred percent confident even if people question you or give you feedback? Now my coach tells a little story about pouring a glass of water.

If I asked you to pour a glass of water, you would absolutely be confident that you could do that. You wouldn’t even question it. In fact, you wouldn’t even really think about whether or not you could do it. And even if you spilled, you probably would just wipe it up and keep on going. You wouldn’t make it mean that you are a failure at pouring a glass of water.

But why are you so confident? Well, it’s because ever since you were small, you’ve been practicing and practicing and believing that you could do it. And at first it’s hard. We’ve all watched a toddler who wants to do it themselves, um, struggling, but. Once you’re confident, you just don’t even think about these things anymore.

So that’s how I want you to be with making decisions. I want you to believe in yourself so much that you don’t even notice how much you believe in yourself. So think about your pouring water confidence. And move that onto whatever in your life you’re really struggling with now. And remember, it might take time, it might take practice, it might take spills, and that’s okay.

You don’t have to be perfect at this yet. You just need to try. So for. So for me in this project, it looks like planning, prepping, and completing the basement the way I want to. I don’t need anyone else to approve of it. Is it nice if they do? Of course it is. If my husband really doesn’t want an all-black bedroom, do I take that into account?

Yes, of course, because that is important to me. But there isn’t any drama or hurt feelings because my mind is managed and I take care of my heart. So please be kind to yourself. If you are feeling a light bulb right now that your relationship with you is impacting a lot of your decisions, please go in the show notes and sign up for a connection call.

As we work together, we will take this to the next level and really help you build your confidence so you can get what you truly want. And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram. I am at amy dot Smooth Stones Coaching. I’ll be jumping into this basement project soon and I’ll probably post a lot about it in my stories.

I am so excited to finally say goodbye to these last bits of chocolate brown shrimp in the house. And I will see you next time. Be kind to you. Are you tired of feeling like your baby was somehow your fault? Go to coaching com and get my free mini stop blaming yourself after loss.